Penny to See the Lunatic

Penny to see the lunatic! Penny to see the fool!

It’s very cheap! You won’t regret! Come watch the madman drool!

Come gaze into his bulging eyes, come watch him count his toes!

Observe him as he swats imagined gnats around his nose!

Come goggle as he waddles with his dopey duck-like gait!

You’ll win your penny back if you can estimate his weight!

Come gape, but do not get too close—stay arm’s length from his cage!

He sometimes reaches through the bars in senseless fits of rage

You see his thick and meaty hands, as big as cans of beer?

He used those hands to strangle one poor chap who got too near!

Why do I stand so close, you ask? Well, I’m his guardian, see,

I give him everything he has—he trusts and treasures me.

What’s that? You say he’s angry, and his face is turning red?
Oh, crap! Help, help! He’s got my neck! Quick, help! Or I’ll be…

Grandma Claire

She had no teeth, old Grandma Claire

Each day she’d eat a gummy bear

She couldn’t chew, so she resolved

To suck on it ‘til it dissolved

But Grandma Claire had quite bad luck

She grew so weak she couldn’t suck

And so the gummy bears in fact

Remained inside her mouth intact

Each morning, one went in her mouth

But ‘cause her sucking skills went south

The gummy bears that kept her sated

Gradually accumulated

‘Til her cheeks puffed out a bit

And she slobbered rainbow spit

With swollen cheeks and neon drool

She looked like a horrendous ghoul

But no one had the heart to say:

“No gummy bear for you today.”

(Inserting gummies, you must know

Would set dear Grandma’s face aglow

Denying her this single joy

Would be like taking baby’s toy)

So she kept stuffing gummies in

With drool a-streaming down her chin

Until the day she choked and died

Poor Grandma! How we cried and cried

And then we spent a couple weeks

Removing gummies from her cheeks

Eight hundred gummies—have a look

She made the Guinness Record Book!

And with the buckets of her drool

We made a lovely swimming pool

So children come from miles around

To our small house in our small town

To swim in drool-of-gummy-bear
All thanks to sweet old Grandma Claire.

On Being Unique

Paul made a world of color

Matt made a world of sound

Beth made a world of fish sauce and old bits of fluff she had lying around.

“What brilliance in rainbows!” Paul whispered

“What rhythm in raindrops!” gasped Matt

 “Moon wobble! Sock sock! Smells like fish sauce again!”
I bet you can guess who said that.

Hip-ochondriac

Ms. Memo-Pad had one small rip
And cried: "Give me a brand new hip!"
The doctor said: "Oh, get a grip.
You only need a paperclip."

Zombies Can Be Picky

I sat atop a gravestone

In a night as black as soot

When the fingers of a zombie

Grabbed me tight around the foot.

“Get off, you zombie freak!” I screamed

Your fingers really hurt!”

But the zombie kept his grip

And pulled me down into the dirt.

He bit me in the neck

Which sparked a lightning bolt of pain

Then he offered me a sandwich

He called “bacon, egg and brain.”

The sandwich was delicious

And the bite was soon forgotten

I hardly even noticed that my skin

Looked green and rotten.

I asked, “Another sandwich, please?

This time on whole-wheat bread.”

But the zombie said: “We’re out of brains…

We’ll need some from your head!”

“Zombies don’t eat each other’s brains!”

I said, but he said, “Lies!”

So we attacked each other’s skulls

Both fighting for our lives.

He tried to tear my head apart

With his long fingernails

But soon the graveyard watchman

Heard our scuffling and our wails.

“What’s all the ruckus?” watchman asked

“We’re zombies,” I explained

“We’re hungry for a sandwich

But we want each other’s brains.”

“The moment I've been waiting for!”

The graveyard watchman cried

“I’ve developed artificial brain…

Would you two like to try?

It’s made with starch and processed soy

It’s great to eat with chips!

I made it to prevent

The living dead apocalypse!”

We thought at first the graveyard watchman

Must have been insane

But then he let us try

A slice of artificial brain.

It had the same pink wrinkly grooves

And fatty, chewy feel

In fact, it was more tasty than

My first cerebral meal.

“Do you have more?” we asked the man

And he said, “Yes, indeed!

If there’s one thing true of zombies

It’s how much they love to feed!”

Turned out the graveyard watchman

Had twelve buckets of the stuff

“Eat up, my zombies!” he announced

“I'm sure there'll be enough!”

We ate the brains, but we weren't full

The watchman wasn't right

Twelve buckets of the brains

Could not defeat our appetite.

“Wait, wait! I’ll make some more!” he said

But it was far too late

Next thing we knew, we had

The watchman’s brains upon a plate.

Which goes to show that though

You can make good things out of soy

A brain’s a brain
Sometimes you just can’t beat the real McCoy.

The Acquaintance of Two Urchins

In the streets of New York, where the pigeons are perchin’

Lives a boy with this business card: “Twig Jones, Street Urchin.”

Twig Jones often says: “Though I don’t have a home

I am proud of my name and the streets that I roam

People think a street urchin should be sad and bleak

But I like the name urchin, ‘cause urchin’s unique.”

“Not true,” said a man. “Have you been to the sea?

There’s urchins there too. They’re small and spiny.”

“What’s that?” said the boy. “Other urchins exist?

Other things labeled ‘urchins’ are here in our midst?”

The man nodded and said, “At the beach, they’re a feature

Go there for yourself and you’ll meet the small creature.”

So the street urchin went to the beach and he found

A sea urchin, spiky and spiny and round

“You’re an urchin as well?” he inquired of the thing

“Indeed!” it replied. “And I’ve got quite a sting!”

Then Twiggy Jones screamed and dropped his sea-cousin

His hand throbbed with pain and his head was a-buzzin’

“Good grief!” he declared. “I shall not share a name

With a creature that causes such horrible pain!

And so, to avoid being lumped with that type
His new business card reads: “Twiggy Jones, Guttersnipe.”

The Difficulty of Keeping Out Unwanted Guests

Big-bellied elephants wearing new socks

One rings the bell and the other one knocks

I won’t let them in ‘cause they both have the pox

Big-belled elephants wearing new socks.

Fat, furry guinea pigs, covered in gel

One of them knocks and one rings the bell

I won’t let them in ‘cause both of them smell

Fat, furry guinea pigs, covered in gel.

One clever marmot, dressed like a maid

Sneaking in through the garage, I’m afraid

I won’t let her in ‘cause she might have a blade

One clever marmot, dressed like a maid.

One schizophrenic skunk in a toupee

Climbed down the chimney twice today

I won’t let him in ‘cause he’ll probably spray

One schizophrenic skunk in a toupee.

Two wealthy lions, dressed in Dior

Both using picks to dig under the door

I won’t let them in ‘cause I’m scared that they’ll roar

Two wealthy lions, dressed in Dior.

One crazy dentist, looking aloof

Tries to get in through a hole in the roof

I won’t let him in ‘cause he might pull my tooth

One crazy dentist, looking aloof.

Beady-eyed lab mice, little white paws

Scratch at the door with their super-sharp claws

I won’t let them in ‘cause they’re carrying saws

Beady-eyed lab mice, little white paws.

One ugly mongoose with his new wife

Says: “Let us in or we’ll threaten your life!”

I won’t let them in ‘cause they might have a knife

One ugly mongoose with his new wife.

One cranky lady wearing lip balm

Says: “Don’t you dare lock out your own mom!”

I won’t let her in ‘cause she might have a bomb

“You’ll be grounded for a week!”
Oops! Come on in, Mom.