Impotence Day

It’s Impotence Day!
So the wasp has no sting
The door has no doorknob
The bell has no ring
The sun has no sunshine
The dog has no bark
The sparkplug is missing
Its signature spark
The cup won’t hold water
The sponge doesn’t scrub
The bathtub drain stopper
Won’t fit in the tub
My pen ink is white
But my White-Out is black
My boomerang left
But it didn’t come back
The toaster’s not toasting
The freezer won’t freeze
The cows won’t make milk
And the milk won’t make cheese
The tigers are toothless
The sharks have no fins
The movie is over
Before it begins
The typewriter’s broken
It only types zeds
And all headless horsemen
Are now wearing heads
The planes can’t take off
They’re all stuck to the ground
The sky is below
And the earth isn’t round
It’s one giant shutdown
This Impotence Day
No school, no work
No rehearsal, no play
And with everything broken
You’d think I’d be sad
But I’m not, ‘cause I don’t need
Those things that I had
I only need you
You’re the one thing I need
The world all chained up
Leaves the two of us freed
We can cuddle and chat
We can frolic and play
We just can’t make love
‘Cause it’s Impotence Day.

I Pulled Out My Spine

I pulled out my spine through a hole in my neck

I swung it around and it caused a car wreck

It smashed through the windshield of one hapless man

Who was driving from here to the end of Japan

The spine hit his face and he veered off the track

His car spun around like a whirlpool of black

I ran to the scene and I called 9-1-1

But quickly I saw that the damage was done

The man was concussed; the wreck rattled his brain

He was babbling and giggling like someone insane

I told him, “I’m sorry! The fault is all mine!

I was just playing cowboy with my torn-out spine!”

And soon after I said this, we crumpled and died

We both felt relieved. Neither one of us cried.

A Ukulele On Displaylay

A ukulele on displaylay!

Is it all right for me to playlay?

Yes, you say that it’s okaylay?

‘kay, I’ll strum this ukulele

Wow! It sounds superb! I saylay

This is one grand ukulele!

It sounds fresh in a dainty waylay

Like a musical bouquetlay!

I shall strum the night awaylay

In New York and Santa Felay

All the folks will smile and swaylay

I will play from June to Maylay

What a perfect ukulele!

Give three cheers: Hip hip hooraylay!

Oh how I did wish and praylay

For this lovely ukulele

Who’da guessed I’d find it todaylay?

On the music shop displaylay

How much is it, by the waylay?

Ninety bucks! Oh, what dismaylay!

Guess I’ll have to just delaylay

Purchasing this ukulele.