The Importance of Specificity in One's Will

Said Tim Flin, “Make it say on my grave:
My name, and beneath that: The Brave,”
Well, soon he was dead
And that’s just what it said:
With “My name, and beneath that” engraved

The Parable of Yerrible

“I do think that women look terrible
In skimpy bikinis,” said Yerrible
“The burka-clad chicks
Are the ones that I’d pick
‘Cause their beauty is simply un-bare-able.”

The Last Supper

For his last meal on Death Row, Old Fred
(Before getting shot in the head)
Ate cakes, pork, steak, fries
And twelve elephant thighs—
Turns out the meal killed him instead.

What You're Accustomed To

In the middle of winter, Aunt Midge
Walked nude on the Tappan Zee Bridge
And although it did storm
She felt perfectly warm
‘Cause she normally lived in her fridge

umbrella, heaven, god

the woman's umbrella had turned inside out on her.
"beautiful day," said the man who walked by her. this was a sarcastic thing to say because of the rain.
the woman was wet and cold, but once she got home she warmed up quickly by the fire.
forty years later, when the woman died, she went to heaven and it was raining there too.
"why all the rain?" she asked god.
"look around," he said, and so she did. she noticed that everything was green and beautiful; ferns, and orchids, and mossy trees, and lots of healthy fat dandelions.
"it rains because the plants need the water to be healthy," said god.
"i don't like the rain on my skin," said the woman, shivering.
"so," said god, "turn yourself inside out."
the woman found that she had a zipper down her skin, which she undid and turned herself inside out.
"there," said god. "you look more beautiful now." and there was no way to tell if he was being sarcastic.

Vocal Quirks

If we bartered our voices, like garters or hats
The duck might trade his for the mouse’s
Imagine him squeak, with his big old duck beak
While “quacks” came from cracks in the houses

Alas, I'm Easygoing

Alas, I'm easygoing
There’s not much that I mind
I keep my molehills molehills
I generally don’t whine
And yet I can’t help feeling
(Though it must sound idiotic)
That I would like, just sometimes
To be a bit neurotic
Now I’m not talking crazy
That’s not my cup of tea
Instead, I’d fancy being
Just a little OCD
I’d follow the food pyramid
And rarely eat desserts
And pick off hair and bits of lint
From other peoples’ shirts
Before eating at a restaurant
I’d inspect its every nook
And ask, “Do you put MSG
in anything you cook?”
I’d check the price of everything
I’d only shop on sales
And I’d lotion up my cuticles
Before I cut my nails
I’d always shut the toilet seat
And put my clothes on hooks
And I’d never ever ever
Break the spine on any book
I’d organize my DVDS
By year and by director
I’d put them all in cases
And their cases in protectors
I never would wear white with black
Or navy blue with gold
And I’d carry earmuffs always
Just in case I should feel cold
I’d shine my shoes three times a day
With purebred camel spit
And for every different pan
I’d have a different oven mitt
I’d sanitize my doorknobs
And I’d measure out my peas
And one-by-one electrocute
My cat’s and puppy’s fleas
I’d never step on sidewalk cracks
Or grass, or turf, or soil
And I’d wrap up all my leftovers
With anti-wrinkle foil
I’d take at least three showers
After every time I sneezed
And get blood tests every other day
To see if I’m diseased
Yes, I wish I were fastidious
Nit-picky and Type A
But alas, I’m imperturbable
Guess I was born that way.