Sailing

From the great city with its hardened heart of pavement

The worker left his corporate job to go a-sailing

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!

The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!

What a joyous young sailor is me!”

The worker faced many storms and hardships

But although his hands were scarred and his overalls torn, his spirit remained buoyant and unburdened.

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!

The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!

What a joyous young sailor is me!”

One day, at port in Aruba, a mermaid called out to the sailor from just offshore

She had full, naked breasts and eyes that shone like oyster pearls

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!

The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!

What a joyous young sailor is me!”

The mermaid swam alongside the worker’s ship from then on

The two were enamored and had frequent oceanic trysts

Soon, they gave birth to a half-boy, half-fish

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!

The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!

What a joyous young sailor is me!”

This half-boy, half-fish grew up seasick, hated his father, forever unsatisfied

Why couldn’t he just have a normal job, an office job on land?

And so, the next time they were in Boston, they dropped off fish-boy, so he could pursue his dream of corporate servitude.

Legend has it he’s still submitting resumes.

Birth Control

May I be so bold as to recommend birth control?

(Money)

Two crocodiles float lazily down a river of menstrual blood.

Their bellies are full because they have just eaten a human man.

“Say,” says one. “Do you know the word ‘money’?”

“No,” replies his buddy. “Why?”

“Well,” says the first. “The man before he died said if we didn’t eat him he’d give us some.”

Brunch

Brunch is a portmanteau

Like bankster, Fleshlight, Clamato, chortle, and cremains.

And also endorphin, which is endogenous morphine

All of this is leading up to me asking you out to brunch

It’ll be causal, no pressure

You can wear jeggings

I’ve got two sporks in my manbag.

Fun

The psychologist was having so much fun
Playing with her plastic dopamine molecules
Imagining them binding to the receptors in her brain
She didn’t even look up when her next patient cleared his throat and rapped on her door.
“Hold on a moment, Jerry,” she called. “It’s just that I’m having so much fun.”