There's A Big Brown Bear In My Pear Tree

There’s a big brown bear in my pear tree

And a goose in my needly spruce

The apes all live in the maple

Drinkin’ syrup like it’s juice.

I keep some frogs in the dogwood

And great hairy goats in the oaks

The pigs all live in the fig trees

Puttin’ figs down their piggy throats.

I’ve got a macaw in the pawpaw

And a gnu in the big bamboo

I’ve got a boar in the sycamore

And a hawk in the hemlock, too.

I’ve got an armadilla in the willah

And it’s spring, so the buds are bloomin’

I’d live in a tree myself except
Ain’t no tree rhyme with human.

I Live In A Plastic Hamster Ball

I live in plastic hamster ball

You can push me back and forth

You can roll me down a hill until

I can’t tell south from north

I live in a plastic hamster ball

I’m safe from fights or scuffles

The voices from the outside world

Sound muted, vague and muffled

I live in a plastic hamster ball

It’d flood if I happened to cry

But I don’t mind when rainclouds weep

In here, I’m warm and dry

I live in a plastic hamster ball

The thing I don’t like is the sun

When heat gets trapped, it’s boiling hot

I’m roasted from rare to well-done

I live in a plastic hamster ball

I have nothing to breath but old breath

They say that it’s good to recycle

But I think I’m recycling to death

I live in a plastic hamster ball

I can’t chew myself out with my teeth

So I spin round and round in my one-person town
While the giant Earth spins on beneath

A Crumb Complains He's Purposeless

“I’m purposeless!” complained the crumb

“I’m meaningless and small!”

But then a voice spoke from above:

“Hey, that’s not true at all.

You’re part of something larger,

Something grand,” the wise voice said.

“You mean God or the Universe?”  

“No, you idiot. Bread.”

A Cheesy Metaphor for Love Gone Sour

A lemon loved a brick of cheese

She said, “I want to kiss you please!

But maybe you can give me tips…

To start, I cannot find your lips.”

The brick of cheese did not reply

The lemon wondered, “Why oh why

Does he not show the lips he’s got?”

But then the lemon had a thought

She squeezed her juice into a cup

And made the cheese brick drink it up

Which worked—the cheese had just two sips

And puckered—which revealed his lips!

Then lemon cried, “Oh, darling, oh!”

She kissed the cheese brick soft and slow

And love is nothing, if not this:

All squeezed dry for one sweet kiss.

An Organ-Meat Lover Named Roffle

An organ-meat lover named Roffle

Spread liver paté on his waffle

He ate tripe by the pile

And drank glassfuls of bile

But I think that his diet is offal.

The Importance of Parentage

There once was a fellow from Munich

Whose was born of a nun and a eunuch

It was just due to this

That he didn’t exist

That unfortunate fellow from Munich

A Grumbling Rumble

There once was a rumble who grumbled:

“What kind of a rumble am I?

Am I rumble-of-oncoming-subway?

Or rumble-of-thunder-in-sky?

Am I rumble-of-man’s-empty-tummy?

Or rumble-of-wheels-on-a-tram?

Perhaps I’m just rumble-of-grumble

Since I’m grumbling, I guess that I am.”