Saturday, October 17, 2015

I Wish I Was a Wicked Man

I wish I was a wicked man
I hate to be a saint
I wish I did the kind of things
That’d make your granny faint.
I wish I had an evil glare
An evil cackle, too
I’d glare and cackle just before
I stabbed and burgled you.
You’d say: “Who was that wicked man
With such a chilling stare?
I wonder what dark treasures
He stores up inside his lair.”
And you’d be right, I’d have a lair
With flapping bats and snakes
And eerie ghosts who’d give
The most heroic men the shakes.
The cops would try to find me
They'd recruit their smartest hound
But I’d be so sly and cunning
They could never track me down.
I’d be drowning puppies, cackling
MUAHAHA without restraint
And you can’t have that kind of wicked joy
If you’re a saint.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Futile

Snake tries to eat its own tail
Thought tries to think its own thought
Veil tries to veil its own veil
Knot tries to tie its own knot.
Dying to know your own mind?
Cage cannot make itself caught
‘Cause objects are different, specific, distinct
Except when All’s One, and they’re not.

Friday, October 9, 2015

I Like to Make Eggs for My Friend the Old Man

I like to make eggs
For my friend the old man
I crack them and beat them
He sits in his chair.
“Are you comfortable, friend?”
He nods and looks distant
His head has brown age spots
And tufts of gray hair.
He likes his eggs scrambled
And cooked ‘til they’re shriveled
He likes them so roasted
They stick to the pan.
He doesn’t have teeth
So he has to just gum them
He likes to say: “Gums
Can do all that teeth can.”
And I don’t like eggs
So I just watch him eating
The eggs make him sleepy
He sleeps in his chair.
I take out my fiddle
And play while he’s snoozing
Performing soft music
I wrote for the air.
At six it’s the sunset
And that always wakes him
Snaps out of his slumber
Sometimes in mid-snore.
“Sunsets,” he sighs
“Are the paint strokes of angels
I’d murder the fellow
Who said they’re a bore.”
And after the sunset
He has to get going
His cat needs its dinner
And needs to be pet.
I hand him his hat and say:
“See you tomorrow?”
He says with his gum-grin:
“Sure, sonny. You bet.”

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Useless Broom

No, no! I’m afraid
That you can’t use that broom
It’s an old haunted broom
That we found in a tomb
It won’t collect dust
It just scatters it more
And it makes screeching sounds
When it’s dragged ‘cross the floor
At night, when I’m sleeping
It stands by my bed
Sweeping nightmares of doom
To my dream-heavy head
When I wake in the morning
I’m desperate to clean
A clean house would assuage
The dark visions I’ve seen
But I can’t
‘Cause my broom is an agent of Death
So it’s best to stay in
And just snort some more meth.

Don’t Look A Gift Horse in Any of Its Orifices

Behold the zebra, it’s a horse
With white and blackish stripes, of course
It also has a stripey mane
I’ve stuffed its butt with pure cocaine
We’ll border cross without a hitch
Then me & zebra filthy rich.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I Like Some Things More Than Others

I like to write poems
More than I like combs
More than I like phones
More than I like bones
More than I like foam
More than I like drones
More than I like domes
More than I like stones
But not more than I like putting gnomes in rest homes.

Yellow Moon

At night I saw a yellow moon
It looked a lot like butter.
Its smile was like an aeroplane
I heard it start to mutter:
“Doozle grimple grog mabop
Spizznit twimble fwee.
Poox-a-flimbat sozzle bot.
Zop da-kumquat blee.”
“Excuse me, yellow moon,” I said.
“I didn’t get the gist.
I heard you mention ‘kumquat’
But the rest of it I missed.”
“Grizzle doom-rock neeple-bap.
Bicnick poffle hoo.
Moog gorilla weezle gauze.
Rimbim moz-man koo.”
“Doom-rock? Poffle? Moog?”
I said. “You’re talking like a loony.
I guess you don’t know English, huh?
You must be speaking Moony.”
I turned to go, because I thought
I’d never understand.
We lived in different worlds;
we were like hummingbirds to sand.
But as I turned to leave
The moon again began to speak
Its aeroplane smile made dimples
In its butter-yellow cheeks.
“Shh,” it whispered. “Pretty boy.
I know your secret charms.
You’re not insane. And someday soon
I’ll hold you in my arms.”
“Excuse me, you’ll do what?” I said
But then a great gray cloud
Obscured the moon’s celestial face
A sort of misty shroud.
Who are you, moon? Why tell me
That you know my secret charms?
Why promise that you’ll hold me
When you don't have any arms?
I went back to my chilly house
And asked my grandma why
I’d heard such strange, uncanny things
From something in the sky.
“The moon knows only nonsense.”
Granny said. “Don’t pay it heed.
But ain’t it true that sometimes
Nonsense’s just the thing we need?
It’s all mysteryus, sonny boy.
Don’t understand? Don’t try.
C’mere, let granny tuck you in
And sing a lullaby.”
Although I’m not a child, I let
My granny tuck me in
Her breath made fog-clouds in the cold
And smelled like flour and gin.
“Doozle grimple grog,” she sang
Spizznit twimble fwee.”
I fell asleep at “sozzle bot.”
Began to dream at “blee.”