The Pilot of Dreams (twist ending)

I woke up late this morning
Feeling strange as strange can be
For I was floating on a turnip
In the middle of the sea
The purple sea had gentle waves
And veggies bobbed along
Like pumpkins, peppers and celery sticks
And the turnip I was on
“Excuse me,” I said, to no one at all
“But why am I not in my house?”
Then you wouldn’t believe what crawled out of my ear—
A tiny crimson mouse!
“I’m so sorry, so sorry!” the crimson mouse cried
“You see…I’m your Pilot of Dreams.
But I've made a mistake, and oh, what a mess
You woke up in the middle it seems!”
“You’re in charge of my dreams?!” I blurted aloud
“Why—I must be completely insane!
A rodent controls my somnolent world?
My dreams aren’t produced by my brain?”
“Of course not, my dear,” the rodent replied
“Nighttime is rest-time for your brain.
Dream Pilots take over the unconscious work
Don’t worry—we’re very well trained.
You’ve got buttons and levers inside of your head
And I can control every one
If I push the red button, you’ll dream you’re a queen
But the blue one will make you a nun
If I press the pink pedal, you’ll dream you’re a moose
Who has landed on top of the moon
While the lavender button will give you a dream
In which you’re a hairy baboon
If I press the black buzzer and have my toes crossed
You’ll dream about amorous weasels
And if I uncross my toes but wink my left eye
You’ll dream you’ve contracted the measles
Remember the dream you recently had
In which you arrived at church nude?
That was when I cranked up The Embarrassment Dial
I apologize, ma’am—that was rude
And what if I turn the sparkly green key?
Why, you’ll dream you’re a hideous troll
But if while I turn it, I cry: “Splishy splash!”
You’ll dream you’re a fish in a bowl
If I pull the white knob, you’ll dream you’re a sock
Spinning circles around in the dryer
And if I pull the same knob three times with my tail
You’ll dream you’re a French fritter fryer
But if I press all the buttons, and yank all the cords
And I shift from sixteenth to twelfth gear
Then you’ll dream that you’re on a turnip boat
With a mouse that climbed out of your ear.”

The Man Who Dated Toast

I once met a man playing rummy
Who had dated dry toast (what a dummy)
When I asked, "How'd it go?"
He said, "Well, you know
It was good but the sex was sure crummy."

A Handsome Crustacean

There once was a handsome crustacean
Exceedingly skilled at flirtation
But he went out with Charlotte
A known lobster-harlot
Which ruined his good reputation

Catch of the Day

There once was a mermaid named Flub
Who bit on a fisherman´s grub
Said the man, "What a pearl!
I shall marry the girl
And I´ll keep her at home in the tub!"

optic exam

dilate! dilate!
your pupils
no longer buttons
but cauldrons

the doctor is here
with clawed leather hands
and a lab coat

bad news
tongue of newt
found stewing in your pupil

the sun will need humanglasses
to look you in the eye

Vacation from Sanity

I’m on vacation from sanity
I’m under the manic palm trees
The irrational water laps at my toes
I’m caressed by the paranoid breeze
I like to build small castles
In the schizophrenic sand
And pick up loony seashells
With my misanthropic hands
I feed the angry seagulls
With pieces of bipolar bread
While bright maniacal kites
Swoop through the wind above my head
I’ve brought a psychotic picnic
Which I eat while the raving sun sets
I watch crackpot couples strolling by
Walking their schizoid pets
I’m on vacation from sanity
And although I may seem lazy
It’s hard to tell if I am sane
‘Til I know what it’s like to be crazy