I was hippity hopping about through the weeds
When I suddenly noticed I’d lost both my knees
It happened so quickly, it really was odd
Now both of my legs were as straight as a rod
So I walked rather stiffly, militiaman style
It wasn’t so bad, though it took quite a while
Then—would you believe it?—my feet were gone too!
I was left with just ankles to put in my shoes!
The walking was awkward before, but now this!
It was easy to see that my gait was amiss
I cried, thinking how I would flop with the ladies
I looked like a freak from old Barnum and Bailey’s
And then—curse the heavens!—my legs disappeared
I was falling apart; it was worse than I’d feared
I collapsed on my face; it was cause for alarm
But I dragged myself onwards with both of my arms
I tried to stay positive; things could be worse
A wheelchair, at least, ain’t as bad as a hearse
I just had to crawl myself back into town
I’d find myself soon in a hospital gown
Perhaps some bright surgeon (I didn’t know who)
Would fix me right up and I’d be good as new
I spotted my town and I thought, “Yay! At last!”
But right then, my torso sunk into the grass
I was just head and neck, with no body at all
And at this realization I started to squall
“What rubbish! What horror! What lameness!” I cried
“I’d be better off if I’d simply just died!”
I wanted to shoot myself—‘course I could not
You can’t fire a gun if a head’s all you’ve got
I figured I’d wait it out, ‘til I was found
But then the wind started to blow me around
The path was downhill, so I rolled for a while
And was blown back to town, traveling tumbleweed style
When I got there, my mother said, “Barton, you fool!
You’ve lost all your limbs and you’re quite late for
school!”
She carried me straight to my class with Miss Hardy
And made me apologize for being tardy
Then came back to fetch me when lessons were through
And questioned Miss Hardy, “Well, how did he do?
He’s naughty, I know. Did he give you much sass?”
“Why, no,” said Miss Hardy. “He’s head of the class.”
