Misconceived

Peg was a woman with Siamese twins

She said, “Where one ends, the other begins.”

But they weren’t really twins, it was just that Peg

Thought a human was born with one arm and one leg.

An Unlucky Friar

An unlucky friar in a friary

Stepped in a bush that was briary

He continued to walk

But then tripped on a rock

And fell on a fence of barbed wirey

My Heart is an Eel

My heart cannot feel

My heart is an eel

A slippery, slimy old eel.

It cares not of love

Or of heaven above

It wants only to find its next meal.

Don’t ask me to say

You look pretty today

Don’t ask me to say

That you’re sweet

My heart is an eel

A wriggly eel

It only wants something to eat.

Don’t ask about me

Or what film we should see

Don’t ask for a Valentine’s card

My heart is an eel

A beady-eyed eel

For eels, such questions are hard.

You think that I’m sad?

That I’m lonely or mad?

You’re wrong, and I’m telling you why

My heart is an eel

A rubbery eel

And rubbery eels do not cry.

Life Sure Goes By Quick; or, The Five Senses

Look at us look at us hey look at us

We’re bumbling along in a big orange bus

Look at us look at us look where we go

We go at full speed across hillscapes of snow

Look at us look at us look what we see

A rare polar bear and a Snickerpatch tree

Hear with us hear with us hear what we hear

The screeps and the scrapes of the bus shifting gear

Touch with us touch with us touch what we touch

These smooth wooden clogs that we bought from the Dutch

Taste with us taste with us taste what we taste

Eat all your peas so they don’t go to waste

Smell with us smell with us please take a whiff

The smell of a bus heading straight toward a cliff

Look at us look at us look at us fall

We’ll crash at the bottom, nice knowing you all

The Consequences of a Button's Dietary Habits

This giant black button

Had eaten some mutton

Before he was sewn on my purse

He burped on the tram

So the tram smelt like lamb

But I guess there are smells that are worse.

A Priest's Feast; or, We Can Only Hope He Choked on the Antlers

There once was a miserable priest

Who said, “I would like some roast beast.”

He saw a stag stagger

Stabbed it dead with a dagger

And ate its fine head for his feast.

The Smigglyput

What of a what is a smigglyput?

Is it purple or yellow or gray?

Does it say “pokypoo” or “balooglemaroo”?

Oh what does a smigglyput say?
And where of a where is a smigglyput?

Yes, where on the Earth does it hide?

Is it inside my shoe or my plastic kazoo?

Is it under the dress of the bride?

And who of a who is a smigglyput?

Is it boastful or angry or shy?

Is it wise like the owl? Does it giggle or scowl?

Oh what makes a smigglyput cry?

And when of a when is a smigglyput?

Is it always or never or now?

Is it when the bell rings, or the fat lady sings?

Is it when little Jack sold the cow?
And why of a why is a smigglyput?

‘Cuz of science, religion or art?

“I think, therefore I smigglyput.”

What’s that mean, eh, Descartes?

And how of a how is a smigglyput?

Is it stirred, shaken, blended or poured?

I only know this of the smigglyput:

It only shows up when you’re bored.

Reflection

I can sit and eat a fried egg
In a calm way
As if we were meant for each other

Dissenting Pelican

Thirty pelicans, if you please

Pleasantly stuck in a bucket of cheese

One of ‘em said: “I’d like it better

‘Twere it brie instead of cheddar.”

Twenty-nine pelicans said, “What rot!

Be grateful for the cheese you’ve got!”

Dissenting pelican felt ashamed

And asked us not to print his name.

Harold and the Past Simple Irregular

The Thomson kids were all the same

Except Harold—he was distinct

They all dropped rocks in a little pond

The rocks sunk, except Harold’s, which sinked

They all put eye drops in their eyes

And they blinked, except Harold, who blunk

They all took time to think about things

And they thought, except Harold, who thunk

They all fell down and skinned their knees

And they bled, except Harold, who bleeded

The principal met with all of them

Except Harold, with whom he meeted

They all wrote lovely rhyming poems

Except Harold, who only writed

And they all bit into their sandwiches

Except Harold, who only bited

They all made paper airplanes

Their planes flew but Harold’s flied

They all were sad when their dog got lost

Harold crew while his siblings cried

And lint sometimes clung to their clothing

But on Harold's clothing it clinged

And they all sang songs in choir

Except Harold, who only singed

When they put ice cream pops in the freezer

Theirs froze while Harold's freezed

And when they had the common cold

Harold snoze while his siblings sneezed

See, Harold was the one who forgetted

While his siblings only forgot

‘Cause his siblings all conjugated

Whereas Harold conjugot

An Ignorant Sultan

An ignorant sultan named Bean

Said: “I know the words ‘monarch’ and ‘queen’

Ask me: ‘king,’ ‘prince’ or ‘tsar’—

I know what those are

But ‘sultan’?! What does that word mean?”

Friendship Criteria

A bucket of ice or a bucket of gin

Which one of these did you put your feet in?

The rice that you chew or the bug that you crunch

Which one of these did you have for your lunch?

A beautiful rose or an overweight rat?

Which one of these did you put in your hat?

A small baby doll or an old bloody blister?

Which one of these did you give to your sister?

A puddle of drool or a perfect-score test?

Which one of these have you got on your desk?

A soft cotton sheet or a just-severed head?

Which one of these did you put on your bed?

If your answers are ice, rice, rose, doll, test and sheet

Well then, you’re a person I’m happy to meet.

You Don't Always Hear the Ocean

A rude little prankster named Mel

Lived deep down inside of a shell

When a man put his ear

To that shell, he would hear

A small voice whisper: “Mister, you smell!”

guess what I just did

Guess what I just did!

Did you find a spider web in your room covered in fifteen little baby spiders?

Did you find a post-it note and it grew 18 meters in size, and then when you tried to show someone, it was just normal again?

Did you realize that you’re not actually human?

Did you find out who the frog creatures who dropped your mom in the earth were?

Were you pulling down a shade, and you kept pulling and pulling, and found this message in tiny font at the end of this super long shade but before you could read it it snapped in your face?