told you so

My mother wore
a big fur coat.
"Mother," I said.
"You look like a jungle beast."
"No," she said.
"I look like a stylish middle-aged woman."
But
the next day
she was shot by a poacher.

Grandma

A wheelchair is
a personal roller coaster
.....right?....
on second thought,
maybe Grandma did not want
to be pushed down that hill.

money

please, sir
can i trade
this shriveled lemur head
for that pack
of Trident white?
no, ma'am
it costs $1.75

A Ghost Enjoys Some Roast

Said the ghost to his host,
“This is very good roast!
From the coast to the coast
I shall boast of this roast!
I have had many roasts
But, dear host, I’m engrossed
by your roast! Let us toast
to this roast! It’s the roast
That I do like the most.”
Said the host (who was fat)
“It is strange you say that…
The roast’s in the oven
That’s where the roast’s at
And during the length
Of our brief little chat
I have noticed you’ve eaten
The food of the cat.”

Mr. Cookie

Here comes Mr. Cookie
He’s got sprinkle frosting too!
And if you cross your eyes and sing
You’ll get a cookie too
What’s the song that you must sing?
Well, this is how it goes:
“If I can’t have a cookie, Sir,
Then I'll bite off your nose.”

options

“I live in a cage,” the robin said.
“My beak is sharp and my tummy is red.”
“I’m warming up,” said the soup in the pot
“And soon I shall be nice and hot.”
“You’ll boil, friend soup!” the robin said
“They’ll eat you then, and you’ll be dead!”
“I know,” said the soup. “I’ll be seasoned with sage.
And they’ll gobble me up. But you’re in a cage.”

The Boy Who Went to the Sea

Once there lived a very young boy
And a very young boy was he
He could swim like a fish, and he often did wish
He could live in the depths of the sea.
He’d sigh and he’d cry and he’d draw octopi
And he’d beg and he’d pout and he’d plea
But his mum said, “Now, now! I will never allow
You to live in the depths of the sea.”
“But mum!” he would yelp. “There are mermaids and kelp!”
And whales and great manatees!”
But his mum cried, “I said I would sooner be dead
Than allow you to live in the sea.”
“I don’t care!” said the tyke, and he hopped on his bike
And road til he couldn’t ride more
Though the journey was rough, our hero was tough
And quite soon he arrived at the shore.
He quickly jumped in, and he started to swim
And oh all the things he did see!
Some people say that he’s still there today
With the mermaids and great manatees.