Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I Like Some Things More Than Others

I like to write poems
More than I like combs
More than I like phones
More than I like bones
More than I like foam
More than I like drones
More than I like domes
More than I like stones
But not more than I like putting gnomes in rest homes.

Yellow Moon

At night I saw a yellow moon
It looked a lot like butter.
Its smile was like an aeroplane
I heard it start to mutter:
“Doozle grimple grog mabop
Spizznit twimble fwee.
Poox-a-flimbat sozzle bot.
Zop da-kumquat blee.”
“Excuse me, yellow moon,” I said.
“I didn’t get the gist.
I heard you mention ‘kumquat’
But the rest of it I missed.”
“Grizzle doom-rock neeple-bap.
Bicnick poffle hoo.
Moog gorilla weezle gauze.
Rimbim moz-man koo.”
“Doom-rock? Poffle? Moog?”
I said. “You’re talking like a loony.
I guess you don’t know English, huh?
You must be speaking Moony.”
I turned to go, because I thought
I’d never understand.
We lived in different worlds;
we were like hummingbirds to sand.
But as I turned to leave
The moon again began to speak
Its aeroplane smile made dimples
In its butter-yellow cheeks.
“Shh,” it whispered. “Pretty boy.
I know your secret charms.
You’re not insane. And someday soon
I’ll hold you in my arms.”
“Excuse me, you’ll do what?” I said
But then a great gray cloud
Obscured the moon’s celestial face
A sort of misty shroud.
Who are you, moon? Why tell me
That you know my secret charms?
Why promise that you’ll hold me
When you don't have any arms?
I went back to my chilly house
And asked my grandma why
I’d heard such strange, uncanny things
From something in the sky.
“The moon knows only nonsense.”
Granny said. “Don’t pay it heed.
But ain’t it true that sometimes
Nonsense’s just the thing we need?
It’s all mysteryus, sonny boy.
Don’t understand? Don’t try.
C’mere, let granny tuck you in
And sing a lullaby.”
Although I’m not a child, I let
My granny tuck me in
Her breath made fog-clouds in the cold
And smelled like flour and gin.
“Doozle grimple grog,” she sang
Spizznit twimble fwee.”
I fell asleep at “sozzle bot.”
Began to dream at “blee.”

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Clairvoyant

The clairvoyant peered into her clear crystal ball
Her eyes grew big and her nose grew small
“You are doomed!” she proclaimed. “You must exit this place!”
Then her nose disappeared—got sucked into her face
She was just eyes and mouth, and her eyes got gigantic
Her breathing was frenzied, her pupils were frantic
Her eyes getting larger, her limbs shrinking small
Her body turned into the size of a doll
“You are doomed!” she repeated. “You’re certainly cursed!”
Then her eyes grew so huge that I thought they would burst
And they did! And their eye jelly splattered and flew
Landed smack on the walls, like wet, ocular glue
And I couldn’t help then but feel slightly annoyed...
If that is clairvoyance, I’ll stay unclairvoyed.

If I Were a Hedgehog

If I were a hedgehog
My name tag would say:
“Not usually hedgehog.
It’s just for today.”

Thursday, September 3, 2015

A Friend from Japan

I would like to make friends
With a girl from Japan
I would make her dessert
Like a burnt caramel flan
We’d sit on the porch
Putting gloss on our lips
And the men that walked by
Would say, ‘Look at them chicks.’
At night we’d watch films
And eat popcorn and sweets
We’d paint all the nails
On our hands and our feets.
I’d only speak English
And she, Japanese
So we wouldn’t much talk
Just say, “thank you” and “please.”
She’d live down the street
With a cat as a pet
She’d be scared of the dark
And of things that are wet
So on days when it rained
I would go to her floor
I would take off my shoes
When I entered the door
We’d read anime comics
And pet the cat’s fur
I’d be giggly and loud
She’d be shy and demur
Her name would be Momo
Or Kyo Mitsuru
And I’d bring her warm soup
If she came down with flu
She’d make me a mobile
Of bright paper cranes
I’d paint her a picture
Of old-fashioned trains
We’d be always together
Link arms on the street
I’m a little bit wide-ish
But she’d be petite.
I'm alone, so I hope
That she comes in a hurry
But she probably won’t
‘Cause I live in Missouri.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Transvestite Garden Gnome

Two weeks ago my garden gnome
Had snuck inside my house
I caught him in my closet
In my frilly socks and blouse.
“What are you doing, little gnome?”
“Um, nothing,” he replied.
“It’s fine if you like ladies’ clothes,”
I said. “No need to hide.”
“You’re not upset?” the fellow asked
“I’m not. I’m just surprised.
But let me see if I can’t find
Some outfits in your size.”
I found a shirt I used to wear
(I’d shrunk it in the wash)
I also found a wide-brimmed hat
The color of a squash.
“Do you like skirts or shorts?” I asked
The gnome replied: “Skirts, please.”
And so I found a ruffly one
That fluttered in the breeze
The garden gnome was shyly thrilled
“What lovely clothes!” he gushed
“You look just gorgeous,” I replied.
The garden gnome just blushed.
“You think I could come every day?”
He asked. “To try things on?
And wear a different outfit
Every day upon your lawn?”
“Of course you can,” I offered him
“If that’s what you desire.
In fact, I’ll give you all the clothes
That shrunk up in the dryer.”
“Wow, thanks!” he said, “And one more thing…
I know you named me Schmee.
But could you call me Trixie?
I think that it’s more me.
“Okay,” I said, and now, each day
When I head out from home
I smile and wave to ‘Trixie’
My transvestite garden gnome.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Half-Boozer, Half-Parrot

This is my beak
I use it to speak
My mom was a parrot
My dad was a drunk.
Half-boozer, half-parrot
I really can’t bear it
My torso has feathers
My liver has shrunk.
My dad wasn’t sober
That fateful October
He thought he’d got hold
Of a girl, not a bird.
Because of his habit
That lusty old maggot
Knew not what he screwed
‘Cause his vision was blurred.
I was born from an egg
And I nursed from a keg
And now I’m as drunk
As my lousy old man.
He’s degenerate waste
And has terrible taste
In his partners. But hey,
He can’t fly, and I can.