The Futile Caterwauling of the Sloth

The girl and her dog went out looking for water. Their walking made very little noise and from their footprints arose subtle wafts that said: ‘thirst, thirst.’

A kindly sloth came ambling through the forest, smelled the thirsty footsteps, and caterwauled directions to the nearest clearwater stream.  “Right at the largest blackberry bush! Left at the tree that looks like a broken leg!” Other sloths could have understood him, but to the girl and her dog it came out: “Raawrr aorhgh aorhgh.”

The girl and her dog were happy folk, and had a natural interest in things. If they came across a butterfly or a snake’s eggs, they would pause and observe with enchantment. This pausing hadn’t been a problem before, but soon they began to notice that whenever they felt enchantment, their thirst intensified.

This became most evident when they encountered an oddly glossy mushroom, shaped like an ear. They bent down to examine its minute hairs and beautiful gloss. But oh! This made the thirst unbearable. They turned away from the mushroom and their thirst subsided. The dog whined.

Life went on like this--that is to say, miserably. They did not die because they sometimes found water. But it was always in insufficient amounts: quantities that would have barely taken the edge off the thirst of a hummingbird.

Over time, to survive, their eyes became dim to the world. Rarely, only rarely, their vision was snatched by a shimmering caterpillar or the majesty of the stars. But whenever this happened, their shared tongue would swell and dry up like a salted slug. 

Yes, they shared a tongue, but it’s of no importance really.

The only importance is that of lost hope, and of the futile caterwauling of the sloth.

The Deep-Dwelling Bony-Eared Assfish

Who’s the best of all creatures that live in the sea?

The dolphin is, according to me

But my boyfriend insists with obstinate glee

It’s the deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.

The bony-eared assfish is no beauty queen

It looks like a slug dipped in gray Vaseline

If you ate it, you’d barf (or at least turn dark green)

It's a deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.

And that’s not its only unfortunate trait

Its brain is the smallest of all vertebrates

I doubt that it's ever been asked on a date

It's a deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.

And it’s technically ‘eel’, it isn’t a fish

And it'd fit inside of a petri dish

It's also incredibly easy to squish

It's a deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.

And it can swim fast, but it’d rather not

If it didn’t live deep, it’d be easily caught

Did I mention it looks like it’s covered in snot?

It's a deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.

I’d vote for the dolphin any day

And I suspect my boyfriend feels the same way

But 'dolphin' isn’t as fun to say

As: “Deep-dwelling bony-eared assfish.”

What Are the Chances Your Mind's Made of Branches

What are the chances your mind’s made of branches?

You brainstem’s a trunk that is wooden and tall

Your consciousness swings through the treetops, not stopping

To wonder just why there are branches at all

At one bifurcation are thoughts of vacation

The next mental split contains thoughts of your mum

Nostalgia for grade school has sprouted nearby

On the end of a branch, in the form of a plum

In one of the branches an owl is resting

He watches your mind with a skeptical frown

When your consciousness gets too rambunctious

He ruffles his feathers and hoots: “Mind yourself! Settle down!”

Some branches are missing—they’re things you’ve forgotten

Don’t sweat; it’s just pruning, it’s good for the tree

Some of the branches are knobby and crooked

They also have knowledge, so just let them be.

If you doubt that your mind’s made of branches

Just look at a neuron up close—see its willowy arms?

You can’t see the settle-down owl in the neurons

But invisibility’s part of its charm

So if you get depressed or you’re having a rough one

Imagine the tree that’s inside of your head

It’s a beautiful fractal with spindly dactyls

And will be forever. (At least ‘til you’re dead.)

The Merry-Go-Found

Your keys aren’t lost, you’re keys aren’t gone

You didn’t leave them on the ground

They simply floated to the merry-go-found

To the merry-go-found in the sky

The match to your sock ain’t gone astray

It ain’t grown legs and walked away

It just floated off to the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky

Your headphones, glasses, and library card

Weren’t left at the store or dropped in the yard

They’ve just floated off to the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky

And Grandpa’s watch chain made of gold

You got when you were five years old

It wasn’t stolen, lost or sold

It just floated off to the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky

And the Hoisin sauce you’re sure you bought

And thought maybe you left in the parking lot

Has just floated off to the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky

And you’re wondering now: Well, what is the cost

To get there? To fetch all the things that I’ve lost?

But you should know, should know quite clear

That you have to be lost to someone dear

In order to float to the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky

So make your choice and pick your poison:

Stay close to the loved ones you’ve already chosen?

Or reunite with your headphones, your keys and the Hoisin

At the merry-go-found in the sky?

Look, I won’t blame you either way

I won’t tell you to go, won’t tell you to stay

For a price, I will even be willing to lie

And say to your loved ones: “So sorry, he died.”

To spare them from knowing you went to the sky

To retrieve all those items of yours

And if you go, you can’t come back

But please throw down my hackey sack

I lost it just a li’l while back

But I don’t mean ‘lost’, I just mean that

It’s hitchin’ a ride on the merry-go-found

The merry-go-found in the sky.

Reading a Book

I was reading a book in an unexpected place. Twenty men gathered around me to watch me read. I started to read aloud but they complained, said: No, no, read silently. I switched back to reading silently and watched them watch my eyes. Then it hit me: How was I reading while also watching the men watch my eyes? I realized then I had two sets of eyes and got dizzy. I toppled over and when I came to I was cradled in one of the men's arms; another was gently feeding me water. I spat it out, yelled: Away, you fools! Aren't there any women around here? But that was the year all women were exiled to the sky, and I could see them reaching helplessly towards me, chained to their clouds.

When Your Kid Doesn’t Get It

I spent way too long writing poetry yesterday

Boy you should have seen the way I was doing it!

Hanging upside-down from the ceiling like a bat

Writing in purple ink on a yellow memo-pad

Sending the pages sailing down to the carpet

Thousands of them!

My son came home from school, waded in, and got paper cuts all over his legs

"Mommy," he whined, "why do you always have to hang like a bat!"

My Final Act

I was so tired when I got home

I just plopped down on the couch and melted

‘You’re gonna need a Wet-Vac to clean my remains!’ I texted my roommate

He came home with an anteater instead

"I can’t clean you as goo!" he said. "Turn into ants!"

Not one to be antagonistic

I turned into ants.