Cost Analysis

Angela Duckworth, contrary to popular belief, is not worth one duck

but is rather worth one lamb

And Mary-Sue Peaworth is not worth one pea

but is rather worth one cup of potato leek soup

And Barbara Kay Vultureworth is not worth one vulture

but is rather worth one hundred vultures

all of them decked out in silver and gold

with parrot-feather headdresses

trained to sing, in chorus, the praises of Barbara Vultureworth

that’s what Barbara Vultureworth’s worth

so if you need a human sacrifice for your next Ceremony of Skulls

Mary-Sue Peaworth is the most economical.

Game Show

in this incomplete box of African wildlife

baby elephants and baby giraffes compete for milk

from the one tit of the Serengeti

i say ‘incomplete’ because there are no baby hyenas

but there are baby zebras

there are baby hippopotami

who would have thought to put them all in a box

with access to just one tit?

the woman who put her tit 

through the hole in the box

has to guess which animal latches on

and if she’s right, she wins $1,000,000 

on the game show: “One Tit of the Serengeti”

“baby…baby hippopotamus?” she guesses

but it was a long-necked, tawny giraffe

its hairy, milk-fed camel lips

smacking with delight.

How to Get Away with Being a Baby

Snuggle.
Coo.
Act out or suppress your most diabolical desires.

Babble.
Squirm.
Look flabbergasted when you see bubbles.

Wriggle.
Drool.
Avoid liquid mercury.

Nuzzle.
Suck.
Haunt the breasts.

Whimper.
Teethe.
Hoard doses of Infant Tylenol to sell on the black market.

Fondle.
Barf.
Use a Ouija board to summon SIDS babies into your crib for blood magic.

Snuggle.
Coo.
It’s all up to you.

How to Have Fun All the Time

Two crocodiles were floating down a river of breast milk.
“Hey,” said one crocodile, “do you know how to have fun all the time?”
“No,” said the second crocodile. “Why?”
“Well, catching prey and swimming through breast milk is mostly fun, but I want to have fun all the time.”
“Hmm,” said the second crocodile. “Well, what about…if you were famous?”
Women in shackles lined the riverbanks, bent on their knees, squeezing milk out their nipples to keep the river flowing while Overseers stood behind them with whips.
“Nah,” said the first crocodile. “That would get old. Plus, you’d have to deal with paparazzi.”
The crocodiles kept swimming. A woman on the right riverbank refused to squeeze milk anymore. Instead, she stayed crouched and received the whippings, shuddering slightly after each blow, blood streaming down her back in tributaries.
“Hmmm,” said the second crocodile. “What if you had a mate, who loved you forever and always?”
The whipped woman, unconscious from blood loss, collapsed into the river with a splash.
“No, I...hold on a minute, I’m gonna eat this one,” said the first crocodile. The woman was suspended in the breast milk for a brief moment, curled up like a fetus, until the crocodile snapped its jaws at her legs, eating the bottom half of her. He swallowed, then ate the top half, taking his time to chew the tough skull. Blood from his feasting stained the river pink.
“As I was saying, I don’t think having a mate would mean you’d have fun all the time either,” he continued. “You’d have jealousy, and infidelities, and no end of lovers’ tiffs.”
 “Well, I guess having fun all the time just isn’t an option,” said the first crocodile. “Oh well.” And on they swam through the warm breast milk, the air a mass of swampy silence, pierced every so often by the crack of a whip.

Japanese People

Some Japanese people drink coffee

Some Japanese people drink tea
Some Japanese people are trapped in a parallel realm based on Dragon Ball Z
Some Japanese people burn incense
Their incense is lovely to burn
But wait—can we go back to Dragon Ball Z realm? That seems like a cause for concern.
“Oh yes,” explained Doctor Tanaka. “It’s becoming a national plague.
Some readers of Dragon Ball comics.
Have gotten slurped up by the page.”
“In fact,” added Doctor Tanaka
While shedding a delicate tear
“My daughter was one of the victims.
She was reading, and just…disappeared.
We can only assume that she’s living
With Bulma, Yamcha and some bloke who
Is hellbent on capturing Dragon Balls
I think that they call him Son Goku.
The point is, there’s thousands of children
Whom this manga has made disappear
They simply cracked open a volume
And poof! They were no longer here.
Sometimes we can hear their sad moaning
Coming out from the comics they left
I assure you, this crisis is far worse
Than fictional Dragon Ball theft.”
“Is there any technique that can solve it?”
“No,” sighed the Doctor, and shrugged
“In fact, though it’s terribly fatal
We’ve swept it all under the rug.”
Some Japanese people drink coffee
Some Japanese people drink tea
Some Japanese people are trapped in a parallel realm based on Dragon Ball Z
But let’s keep that safely out of polite conversation, along with tentacle porn, the suicide forest, and those capsule hotels that look like coffins.

The Pope

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He used to be a nightclub bouncer

But now, he’s the Pope!

He prefers you avoid abortion

He prefers that you don’t smoke dope

You can like his papal pictures

On his Instagram account

If you’re currently sodomizing

He prefers that you dismount

He meets with the sick and dying

Like the hemophiliacs

But requires that the host have gluten

(So sorry, celiacs.)

He called Trump ‘not a Christian’

Trump called him ‘a disgrace’

But they grinned and kept it classy

When they both met face-to-face

He cares about the climate

And he cares about the poor

But when women ask for priesthood

He shows them to the door

He auctioned off his Harley

For a homeless charity

And he blessed a gang of bikers

With complete sincerity

You can buy his special pope beads

At blessedrosaries.com

He is fond of touching babies

With his holy papal palm

If I ever heard him sneezing

I would quickly say, ‘Bless you’

‘Cuz I’d secretly be jonesin’

That he’d answer ‘bless you too.’