First Day Teaching First Grade

Why, no, I do not belong to myself!

I am merely a vessel!

Deep in the quicksand of my double helices, there is the kinesthesia of the ancients.

Do you understand, children?

Good. Now repeat after me:

When I howl, it is spontaneous combustion of breath and wolf.

When I travel, it is thanks to the testicles of the Wright brothers.

When I cry, my eyes are the underground railroad for saltwater slaves.

When I run, I have the knees of a centaur and grim reaper speed.

When I am in first grade, I will be quiet and pay attention to my teacher.

If I do not pay attention, I will be sent to time out.

Very good!

Now remember, children, I am an hourglass of blood

but you'll need a stopwatch for anything more precise.

Circus Trick

for my next circus trick, this cracked egg will make itself whole!
this shaved Schnauzer will instantly have its hair back!
this popped balloon will become unpopped!
this hangnail will become unhung!
this chalk drawing will undraw itself!
this monkey with its teeth pulled out will once again have teeth!
this squashed berry will become plump!
this fried sausage will become uncooked!
this decapitated bunny will have back its head! 
this will all occur before your very eyes, ladies and gentlemen, quicker than you can say bob's your uncle!
and what's more, ladies and gentlemen....
it will all happen in reverse!

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Two little mice in a patched-up boot

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse thought He-mouse was cute

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse said, “Woncha be my chosen?”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

He-mouse said, “When hell turns frozen!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse said, “I’ll buy the rings!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

He-mouse said, “When pigs have wings!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse begged all through the night

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

He-mouse said, “Go fly a kite!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Then He-mouse slept, and under his nose

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse robbed him of his clothes!

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She stuffed the clothes with straw and tin

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

And made a He-mouse mannequin!

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

But He mouse turned as white as paste

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

When he saw that he’d been replaced

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

He said, “Look, She-mouse….hold on…wait..”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

But She-mouse said, “No, sir! Too late!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Then He-mouse, feeling awful sore

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Stole a dress from the She-mouse drawer

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

He stuffed it up with old dried fruit

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

And made a She-mouse substitute!

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

“She never nags, my She-mouse clone!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

“Who needs a wife of flesh and bone?”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

She-mouse says, “Golly, this is neat!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

“My He-mouse doll won’t ever cheat!”

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Now both mice live as happy as elves

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot!

Cuddlin’ with the lovers they made themselves

Hootenanny, Hootenanny, Hoot Hoot Hoot.

Monkeyface and Stink Eye Ralph

There was a man named Monkeyface

Who lived in a tiny hut

He had no friends, and spent all day

Counting up the hairs on his butt.

He had a neighbor, Stink Eye Ralph

Whose hut was also tiny

And just like Monkeyface, he counted

Up the hairs on his heinie.

One day, that rascal Stink Eye Ralph

Said, “Come on, Monkeyface!

Let’s tip a cow! Let’s rob a store!

Let’s break a crystal vase!”

So Monkeyface and Stink Eye Ralph

Wreaked havoc on the town

Tipped cows, robbed stores, broke vases, too

And burned the houses down

The cops arrested them and said,

“Now, fellas, looky here.

You’s vandals, and you’s goin’ to jail

For more’n fifty year.”

Now Monkeyface and Stink Eye Ralph

Both share a tiny cell

And count the hairs on each other’s butts

Which is prob’ly just as well.

I Have a Crush on Radiation

I have a crush on radiation

Because Little Boy hit me

In the Hiroshima of my dreams

And my skin felt the dark heat

And itched and prickled hard.

Imagine the mushroom cloud

Exploding hotels and their bellmen

I broke out in a rash of thorns

And ran from the city, crying

That I would like a blackberry tart

I found a buffet

And heard the cackle of Death

“You’ll have Cancer!” he said

And my cells, like frightened oysters

Shook in their membranes and cried.

Shh, little darlings, I whispered

I am your Sweet Mother

And if we’re to have Cancer

We shall go and live in the woods

And let our feet dangle in streams

Genesis

1. In the beginning, God’s mama created split pea soup and told Him to eat it because she slaved for an hour over a hot stove to fix Him a meal of proper nutrition and He’d better not be ungrateful.

2. And the soup was without flavor, and had a nasty texture, and a scowl was on the face of God. And He stirred His spoon reluctantly in the mush.

3. And God’s mama said, Take a bite: and God took a bite.

4. And God said, "Blech."

5. And God’s mama said, “You won't leave this table 'til you eat that soup!"

6. And God said, “If I eat all my soup, does it mean I don’t have to take a bath?”

7. And God’s mama said, “No, Sir, you are filthy and I’m your mama, and those two together mean you’ll be taking a bath!”

8. And God grumbled, but He ate His soup and got in the stupid bathtub.
9. Only, He refused to wash His hair.

10. And God’s mama said, “Young man, I'm going to get the sheets out of the dryer, and in the meantime, wash your darn hair or I'll show you what-for!"

11. And God had a staring contest with a rubber ducky instead.

12. And after two minutes, the rubber ducky blinked, because if anyone can out-stare a bath toy, God can.

13. And God poured His mama’s expensive shampoo into the running water and it brought forth bubbles, and God saw that it was good.

14. And God’s mama said, “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a smarting keister!”

15. And how God's keister did smart!

16. And to make things worse, the cat knocked over God’s favorite dinosaur nightlight and busted it!

17. And God’s mama said, “Well, you’ll just have to make do with those silly glow-in-the-dark stars.”

18. And God climbed in bed and stared up at the silly glow-in-the-dark stars that He had bought with His allowance and pasted on His ceiling, and He smiled.

19. And God smelled His freshly washed pillowcase and it smelled good, and He was for a moment grateful He had a mama who washed his pillowcases, even if she did smack His keister over some dumb shampoo.

20. And God closed His eyelids and started to snore.

21. And while He snored, God dreamt He created the waters and the firmament, and every beast of the earth, and every fowl of the air, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every green herb, and the sun and the moon and the stars and Adam and Eve.

22. And in the morning, God’s mama woke Him up, and God said, “Mama, I'm God, the Creator!” and His mama said, “Well, don't you go around thinking that makes you better'n the rest of us, and you'd better hurry up and eat your breakfast, ‘cause I won’t have you missin’ the bus.”

The Wind

Out near the Baskett Slough, the wind makes waves across the wheat fields. It's a heavy wind--whoosh--it could rip your mind from its roots. Is the writer drinking wine inside her hilltop trailer? Does the wine go to her mind, does it whine? The trailer shakes, the wind has muscles thick as snakes. The wind gets drunker and drunker on its own strength. The trailer is creaking and snapping thanks to the wind's whooshing and the undulating wheat fields with their quiet swooshing make the world seem alluring, the potatoes need mushing. The writer calls them mushed not mashed because she wishes they were mushed, dash it! She shovels them into her mouth bland with her left or right hand. The writer is the only stillness in this wind wilderness, except the crick-cracking of her stiff neck. The wind was wild when time began and will be wild 'til time eats its own tail. You can't see, but a fat gopher snake in the grass waits and smacks his lips for a titmouse treat. The hawk in the air has the wind as his cradle; it rocks him soft; he thanks his wings. The wind is the world's wine and has made the wheat grass tipsy, see how it sways.