Genesis

1. In the beginning, God’s mama created split pea soup and told Him to eat it because she slaved for an hour over a hot stove to fix Him a meal of proper nutrition and He’d better not be ungrateful.

2. And the soup was without flavor, and had a nasty texture, and a scowl was on the face of God. And He stirred His spoon reluctantly in the mush.

3. And God’s mama said, Take a bite: and God took a bite.

4. And God said, "Blech."

5. And God’s mama said, “You won't leave this table 'til you eat that soup!"

6. And God said, “If I eat all my soup, does it mean I don’t have to take a bath?”

7. And God’s mama said, “No, Sir, you are filthy and I’m your mama, and those two together mean you’ll be taking a bath!”

8. And God grumbled, but He ate His soup and got in the stupid bathtub.
9. Only, He refused to wash His hair.

10. And God’s mama said, “Young man, I'm going to get the sheets out of the dryer, and in the meantime, wash your darn hair or I'll show you what-for!"

11. And God had a staring contest with a rubber ducky instead.

12. And after two minutes, the rubber ducky blinked, because if anyone can out-stare a bath toy, God can.

13. And God poured His mama’s expensive shampoo into the running water and it brought forth bubbles, and God saw that it was good.

14. And God’s mama said, “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a smarting keister!”

15. And how God's keister did smart!

16. And to make things worse, the cat knocked over God’s favorite dinosaur nightlight and busted it!

17. And God’s mama said, “Well, you’ll just have to make do with those silly glow-in-the-dark stars.”

18. And God climbed in bed and stared up at the silly glow-in-the-dark stars that He had bought with His allowance and pasted on His ceiling, and He smiled.

19. And God smelled His freshly washed pillowcase and it smelled good, and He was for a moment grateful He had a mama who washed his pillowcases, even if she did smack His keister over some dumb shampoo.

20. And God closed His eyelids and started to snore.

21. And while He snored, God dreamt He created the waters and the firmament, and every beast of the earth, and every fowl of the air, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every green herb, and the sun and the moon and the stars and Adam and Eve.

22. And in the morning, God’s mama woke Him up, and God said, “Mama, I'm God, the Creator!” and His mama said, “Well, don't you go around thinking that makes you better'n the rest of us, and you'd better hurry up and eat your breakfast, ‘cause I won’t have you missin’ the bus.”