The Dromedary

Ought a person to be wary
Of the hairy dromedary?
Is it smart to be afraid
Of one that walks digitigrade?
No—fear not this ungulate
Although it may expectorate
It journeys over dunes of sand
Much better than the Bactrian
And like all things, with humps it’s true
No need for two when one will do.

Waiting for Gideon

Have you ever been waiting? Waiting for Gideon?
Gideon’s eyes are as black as obsidian
And if you wait for him—this is the truth
He’ll bring you whatever you’ve wanted since youth.
See, I’d wanted a baby since I was just five
A baby that’s pudgy and smart and alive
“My baby,” I thought, “will grow like a tree.
And if I just wait, Gids will bring it to me.”
So I waited for years on the streets of New York
Looking out for Old Gids, my personal stork
And after ten years he finally arrived!
He said, “You want a baby that’s smart and alive?”
And I said, “Yes, yes! Just bring it right here!”
“It’s everywhere,” he said, and then disappeared.
In my head I felt angry and cheated and mean
I was so darn upset I began to turn green
But then I heard everyone starting to yell
“Get down!” someone screamed, “It’s about to be hell!”
So I lay on the ground like the rest, and stayed put
There was panic like something real bad was afoot
There were rumors and whispers, and some guy named Pork
Said a giant volcano was there in New York!
He said the first minute there’d be an eruption
Then lava and death and all kinds of disruption!
Well, I didn’t think Pork really seemed like the cleverest
Until I saw something as big as Mt. Everest!
An enormous volcano, right there in the road
And it looked like it was just about to explode!
I was laying right there, so I had a good viewing
And boy if that mountain just didn’t start spewing!
But it didn’t spew lava or anything hot
In fact, it spewed BABIES! Right there on the spot!
I was suddenly swimming in infantile ocean
I felt as insane as a crackhead in motion
A volcano of babies! How truly absurd!
Old Gideon really was true to his word
And although I love babies, I sure wasn’t greedy
There have to be babies enough for the needy
So I picked just one infant—a cute little punk
And he was a bit fat so I named him Chunk Munk
He blew bubbles of spit, bubbles straight from the deep
And I knew he was just the right baby to keep
So trust in Old Gideon, he knows your fate
If you wait long enough then it won’t be too late
Keep your fingers crossed tight! It could just be true
That there’s a volcano out there for you too.

Jerome the Sad Cloud

You know a lot of things, my friend
And others know them too
Like how to turn the TV off
And how to use the loo
You know that pasta's floppy
And that urchins have sharp spines
But here's one thing you've never known:
The clouds can read our minds.

They're up there in the sky all day
With nothing much to do
And so to pass the time they watch
The thoughts of me and you
Of course when they're not doing that
They think thoughts of their own
Some are sad, and some are glad
And one was named Jerome.

Jerome was not a happy cloud
In fact, he cried a lot
"I'm fat and gross and dumb," he'd think
"I might as well just rot."
"I haven't got a single friend
I'm lonely as can be
And surely there is no one else
Who feels the same as me."

He didn't often read our minds
"There's just no point," he'd sigh
But one day, merely on a whim
He thought that he would try.
He picked a tall and handsome man
Whose name was Fred P. Frinks
"I bet his life is great," he said
"I wonder what he thinks."

Fred Frinks was walking home from work
And this is what he thought:
"I'm fat and gross and awful dumb
I might as well just rot.
I haven't got a single friend
I'm lonely as can be
And surely there is no one else
Who feels the same as me."

Jerome was shocked; he gasped aloud
"I never would have guessed!
This man's down in the dumps, and yet
He's wealthy and well-dressed!"
And then Jerome felt something new
Which we call empathy
"I know just how he feels," he thought
"He's just the same as me!"

"Poor Fred should know he's not alone.
I'll help him out," he said.
"I cannot speak to humans
So I'll give a hug instead."
And so he spread his wispy arms
And floated down to earth
And gave Fred Frinks the biggest hug
He'd ever had since birth

Jerome thought, "That'll cheer him up!"
But Fred began to sob
"There's nothing worse," he moaned
"Than when a clear day turns to fog."

Milky Mix-up

There once was a young Mrs. Chow
Who gave birth to a fully-grown cow
She said, "I don´t mind
That it´s not of my kind
But who does the breastfeeding now?"

The Pilot of Dreams (twist ending)

I woke up late this morning
Feeling strange as strange can be
For I was floating on a turnip
In the middle of the sea
The purple sea had gentle waves
And veggies bobbed along
Like pumpkins, peppers and celery sticks
And the turnip I was on
“Excuse me,” I said, to no one at all
“But why am I not in my house?”
Then you wouldn’t believe what crawled out of my ear—
A tiny crimson mouse!
“I’m so sorry, so sorry!” the crimson mouse cried
“You see…I’m your Pilot of Dreams.
But I've made a mistake, and oh, what a mess
You woke up in the middle it seems!”
“You’re in charge of my dreams?!” I blurted aloud
“Why—I must be completely insane!
A rodent controls my somnolent world?
My dreams aren’t produced by my brain?”
“Of course not, my dear,” the rodent replied
“Nighttime is rest-time for your brain.
Dream Pilots take over the unconscious work
Don’t worry—we’re very well trained.
You’ve got buttons and levers inside of your head
And I can control every one
If I push the red button, you’ll dream you’re a queen
But the blue one will make you a nun
If I press the pink pedal, you’ll dream you’re a moose
Who has landed on top of the moon
While the lavender button will give you a dream
In which you’re a hairy baboon
If I press the black buzzer and have my toes crossed
You’ll dream about amorous weasels
And if I uncross my toes but wink my left eye
You’ll dream you’ve contracted the measles
Remember the dream you recently had
In which you arrived at church nude?
That was when I cranked up The Embarrassment Dial
I apologize, ma’am—that was rude
And what if I turn the sparkly green key?
Why, you’ll dream you’re a hideous troll
But if while I turn it, I cry: “Splishy splash!”
You’ll dream you’re a fish in a bowl
If I pull the white knob, you’ll dream you’re a sock
Spinning circles around in the dryer
And if I pull the same knob three times with my tail
You’ll dream you’re a French fritter fryer
But if I press all the buttons, and yank all the cords
And I shift from sixteenth to twelfth gear
Then you’ll dream that you’re on a turnip boat
With a mouse that climbed out of your ear.”

The Man Who Dated Toast

I once met a man playing rummy
Who had dated dry toast (what a dummy)
When I asked, "How'd it go?"
He said, "Well, you know
It was good but the sex was sure crummy."

A Handsome Crustacean

There once was a handsome crustacean
Exceedingly skilled at flirtation
But he went out with Charlotte
A known lobster-harlot
Which ruined his good reputation