The Whimsy Tree

There once was a wondrous Whimsy Tree

It never bore the same fruit twice

It sometimes grew green apples

But it sometimes grew pink mice

Last autumn, it grew pinwheels

But in winter it grew socks

And then in spring it grew fur hats

And painted cuckoo clocks

That summer it bloomed kangaroos

And even grew a beard

But then it grew a lumberjack…

And strangely disappeared.

Lost Cat

I lost my flea-ridden, one-eyed cat

His name is Nasty Fritz

He's four years old, he smells like fish

He scratches and he spits

I put up posters everywhere

With a picture of Nasty Fritz sleepin’

The posters say: IF YOU FIND THIS CAT

THE REWARD IS YOU CAN KEEP HIM

Mr. Randy Rylids

Mr. Randy Rylids has bottle cap eyelids

Which is rather worse than you might think

‘Cause Mr. Randy Rylids with his bottle cap eyelids

Needs a bottle opener to blink

Invisible Friend

I took my invisible friend to school

"Get out!" said the teacher, Ms. Blee

But I guess it was school for invisible kids

‘Cause the teacher was pointing to me

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your long hair

The witch is vacationing somewhere, I swear

I heard her tell someone she’d be gone two weeks

Now let me climb up there and smooch your sweet cheeks

Prince Charming, Prince Charming, is that you down there?

Of course, I will let you ascend my long hair

Start climbing at once! There’s no need to think twice

And while you’re at it, please pick out the lice.

Ms. Brady the Lunch Lady

I don’t know why, and I don’t know how

But I’ve developed a very strong crush

On Ms. Brady the lunch lady; she’s sixty-two

And she makes the most mouth-watering mush

I see her each day at eleven past noon

And as soon as I pick out a tray

I run to the very front of the line

And ask, "What's the special today?"

Her three chins wobble when she says, “FISH SOUP”

And I go shakey-weak in the knees

She asks, “YOU WANT A SIDE OF MUSH?”

And I shyly say, “Yes, please.”

I devour my soup and go back for more

Always eager to visit my crush

And I can't be certain, but I think she winks

When she serves me seconds of mush

The Werewolf and the Wereman

Every full moon, the handsome wereman Jack

Would have to sneak off and leave the wolf pack

‘Cause he knew that he’d be shunned from his clan

If they ever found out that he was sometimes a man

Well, in a nearby town lived the werewolf Bruce

And every full moon, he had to make some excuse

To leave his family—just like Jack

So as not to give his wife a heart attack

Well, it happened one night in a moonlit glade

That Jack saw Bruce, but he wasn’t afraid

“You’re not a wolf,” he said, “I can tell…

You’ve got a distinctive human smell.”

“You’re right!” said Bruce, “and you must not be a man!

You smelled me out the way that only wolves can.”

Well, Jack and Bruce began to chat about their lives

About their illness, their sadness and their wives

They agreed that their full moon nights were bleak

They hated sneaking off, and they felt like freaks

“And besides, every full moon I make some excuse…

I think my wife’s getting suspicious,” said Bruce.

“Mine too!” agreed Jack. “She doesn’t understand…

And I can’t bring myself to tell her that I’m a wereman.”

They had so much in common, it felt good to confess

They agreed their diseases were causing them stress

They also noticed that they looked a lot like one another

Bruce’s wolf self could have easily been Jack’s twin brother

So by the time morning came, with the sun’s first gleam

They’d hatched up a rather clever scheme

A plan they would follow until they grew old

So they’d never have to spend the night lonely and cold

Which explains why Bruce's wife occasionally said:

“Goodness, Bruce! On certain evenings, you’re an animal in bed.”