My goblin once gobbled my grandma
Right here on the living room floor
My parents said, “Take care of grandma.
We’ll be home in an hour or more.”
Well my goblin escaped from his basket
And attacked grandma’s very plump waist
He ate her except for her eyeballs
He must not have liked how they taste
So then I had just grandma’s eyeballs
All wobbly and weird, to be sure
And I dressed up my dirty old goblin
To look just a bit more like her
I made him take out his own eyeballs
And put grandma’s in, in their place
I added on lipstick and wrinkles
To re-create grandma’s dear face
Then I put him in one of her outfits
A particularly smelly old gown
And I gave him recordings of grandma
To play when my folks were around
Now my goblin agreed to this set-up
But he put one condition in place:
I have to keep feeding him grandmas
Or he won’t change his body or face
I said “Okay fine!” ‘cause that moment
My parents came home from their trip
They brought along Dad’s mom, Petunia
Who has a great mole on her lip
When my goblin caught sight of Petunia
I bet you can guess what he did
Now the rest of her lies in a coffin
With petunias engraved on the lid
And my goblin disguised as my grandma
Was carted right off to the jail
Then the cheeky chap phoned me and asked me
To send more grandma meat in the mail!
“You ate both my grandmas!” I told him
“A promise’s a promise,” he said
Then he growled, “You know I’m a goblin.
Break your promise, and son, you’ll be dead.”
Well, that gave me the heebies and jeebies
So I fled down to old Mexico
And I listen for old lady voices
Wherever I happen to go
‘Cause if I hear recordings of grandma
Saying, “Oh, that goes straight to my hips!”
It could be my jail-escaped goblin
With grandma blood still on his lips.
