Hidden

Around the creepy corner
Along the spooky road
Behind the scary dungeon
Nearby the one-eyed toad
Beneath the growing storm clouds
Just past the 'lectric chair
Is your birthday gift! A brand new bike!
Aren’t you glad I hid it there?

Hearing Voices

Doctor, I have this problem, see,
there’s voices in my head and I—what? You think I’m schizophrenic?
No, I just barely hear these voices, and I—what? You want to give me meds?
But that’s not the problem, it’s just that these voices—what?
You want to lock me up? You’re saying pack my stuff?
No, I don’t mind the voices, it’s just that they're so quiet I can barely hear them, can you tell me how to make them loud enough? I think I need a special type of hearing aid.

Objectified

I have freakishly hot shoulder blades
But please don't fry bananas on them
I have an unusually frigid womb
But please don't keep your frozen lima beans in it
I have vacuum-sealing lips
But can't you just buy one of those FreshLock doohickeys?
I have lightning-quick sewing toes
But hemming another pant leg? Really? Would it kill you to grow your legs just three quarters of a goddamn inch?
I have egg-beater fingertips
But I swear Ill take your chickens to the middle of the woods and pluck them and tie cement bags to their claws and drop them in a lake if you ask for one more omelette
I have toasty hot hip bones but...
Okay fine I'll make you one more piece of toast.

Useful Tools

I can't
Do math in my head
I use a calculator.
I can't
Tell which way is North in my head
I use a compass.
I can't
Know when the steak is done in my head
I use a meat thermometer.
I can't
Make up erotica in my head
I use a calculator.
I can't
Tell if you're angry in my head
I use a compass.
I can't
Know if I will die soggy and wrinkled in my head
I use a meat thermometer.

Beware of Shark

You may have a sign that says: "Beware of Dog"
But my sign says: "Beware of Shark"
My guard shark has nine rows of razor sharp teeth
While your Doberman mostly just barks
Yes, my shark is so vicious he'll rip off the head
Of a thief who comes near my pig bank
He'll sink his jaws fast in potential assassins
...Or he would, were he not in a tank

A Pirate's Parrot Postulates What Precipitated An Eyepatch

I once was a pirate's parrot
But one time, when we'd both had some rum
My pirate smeared peanut butter
On his eyelid with his thumb.
Well, I'm nuts for peanut butter
And I figured, "Down the hatch!"
But my pirate yelped and whacked me
I'm the reason he now wears a patch

Tea with a Plastic Surgeon

A flat-chested woman named Lou
Had tea with a surgeon named Stew
She said, "May I request
That you implant some breasts?"
He said, "Certainly. One lump or two?"