The Great Pumpkin

“Come sit next to me, my dear boy, for a story
I can’t promise it won’t be too bloody or gory.
It’s one that I won’t even tell my own wife.
It’s about the Great Pumpkin, who once saved my life.”
“Who is the Great Pumpkin?” you ask me at first
And I say, “Have you heard of Sir Pork Chop the Worst?”
And you say, “Who’s Sir Pork Chp?”, forgetting a vowel
And I say, “Of all pig meats, he was the most foul.
Just note how his name includes ‘Chop,’ little one
See, he liked chopping heads off of boys just for fun
And he liked to throw girls off of cliffs for no reason
And was guilty of crimes such as thieving and treason
He once threw an orphan into a French-fryer
And one day, he lit my own village on fire.”
“Oh no!” you exclaim. “But then who saved the day?”
“The Great Pumpkin, of course!” I indignantly say
“My dear boy, what it is that you ought to inquire
Is just how The Great Pumpkin put out that big fire.”
“Oh, that’s what I meant,” you respond with a grin
And I say, “Very well, then. Now I shall begin.
The nasty old Pork Chop, so vile and mean
Was coating our village with pink gasoline…”
“But grandpa, just why was the gasoline pink?”
“It burns longer, you numbskull, just what did you think?
Now where was I?...Ah yes, so the pink gasoline
Was spread over everything I’d ever seen
From bathtubs to sneakers to pillows to cups
And Sir Pork Chop was yelling, “I’ll burn you all up!
I’ll fry you to snizzles and roast you to frazzles!
I’ll sny you to frizzles and froast you to razzles!”
And we covered our eyes with our raggedy sleeves
And we huddled together, all shaking like leaves
So frightened that none of us knew what to do
We crossed ourselves once, and uncrossed ourselves too
Then Sir Pork Chop yelled, “Time for you all to get toasty!
I like eating kids when they’re crispy and roasty.”
Then I whimpered in fear, for the outlook was dire
As Sir Chop struck a match and lit up the fire
It roared and it flamed and it leapt and it sizzled
And I thought to myself, “I shall soon be a frizzle.”
But just then, The Great Pumpkin, with hummingbird speed
Came rolling on in, to help with our need
He came rolling straight from his Great Pumpkin Patch
Just as soon as he’d heard Sir Chop’s strike of the match
He yelled, “Out of here, Pork Chop! You leave them alone!
Or I’ll ruthlessly tear off the meat from your bone!”
And I barely believed what on earth I was seeing
The villainous pork chop was actually fleeing!
And then, The Great Pumpkin, to salvage our huts
Released gobs and gobs of his Great Pumpkin Guts!
His bright orange juices were flowing and flowing
And we clapped and hurrahed and our faces were glowing
For although our dear town was a pumpkinesque mire
The Great Pumpkin had saved all us kids from the fire!
“Oh thank you Great Pumpkin!” we joyously said
And we gave him a wreath for his big pumpkin head
But he just rolled away, with a quick wave goodbye
Yessir, that big squash was one hell of a guy.”
Then you say, “I’ve not heard of another thing bolder!
Can I be a Great Pumpkin one day when I’m older?”
And I smile at you softly and quietly say
“My dear boy, you can be a Great Pumpkin today.
Just do little things and they all add together
Like lending your bumbershoot out in bad weather
Or letting your sister sometimes be the winner
Or not picking nose-boogers while eating dinner
Or stopping to help a small duck cross the street
Or smiling at every new person you meet
Or remembering it’s less fun to get than to give
Then you’ll be a pumpkin as long as you live.”