Fun with Buttons

“Mom, how do I sew on a button?” Michelle asked

So her mom got a needle and thread

“Just weave in and out through the holes,” she explained.

“Oh, I can do that!” Michelle said.

So Michelle sewed on buttons the rest of the day

And stayed up to sew through the night

But when, the next morning, she came in undressed

Her poor mother hollered with fright.

“What the heck’s on your stomach, Michelle?” she cried out

Michelle said, “It’s from Daddy’s suit.

And I don’t care whether you like it—I think

That my new bellybutton looks cute.”

Lee and Lursa

Two twins—Lee and Lursa—never cut their fingernails

They’ve been growing them long since the start

Which means Lee can scratch Lursa’s back and vice versa

Even when the two are twenty miles apart!

Grickles the Cactus

There once was a cactus named Grickles

Who was, of course, covered in prickles

I thought he would pout

When I pulled them all out

But he only said, “Goodness, that tickles!”

Heartfelt Advice

Roy wanted to beat up the bully

Who told him that he wasn’t smart

His mom said, “You’ll know what to do

If you listen to your heart.”

So Roy put on a stethoscope

“Thump thump!” his heartbeat said

“I knew you would agree!” said Roy

And thumped the bully’s head

Eye Contact

I remember once in history class

My teacher, Mrs. Joan

Said a person who looks at Medusa

Will instantly turn into stone.

I also learned, a while ago

From my neighbor, Mrs. Brind

That if you stare straight at the sun

In seconds you’ll go blind.

Then just last week at Boy Scouts

My scoutmaster, Mr. Sack

Said if you lock eyes with a Grizzly

You’ll provoke him to attack.

So then I considered Medusa,

The sun’s burning rays, and the bear

And it made sense all of a sudden

Why my mom says it’s not nice to stare.

Poor Janet Done

No man would date poor Janet Done

After she was turned to stone

Her mother said, “The problem is, Janet,

That most men tend to take you for granite.”

Not Every Pancake Looks the Same

Not every pancake looks the same

They are not always round

Not every one smells buttery

They’re not all golden brown

Some pancakes have a blackened spot

And some of them have bumps

Some pancakes are all soggy

Or have baking soda lumps

Some pancakes have crisp edges

And some pancakes shine with grease

Some pancakes can be very thin

While others are obese

Now people are like pancakes

We’re all made from the same batter

And as for what we look like, well,

It doesn’t really matter

One Slow Egg

Said the eggs’ P.E. teacher, Miss Bramble:

 “Run a mile in a minute! Don’t ramble!”

And they did it—uphill!

Except one slow egg, Bill,

Who was so far behind that he scrambled.

The Search for the Fairy Tail

I was sitting in my kitchen

Sorting through a pile of mail

When a fairy came from nowhere

Shouting, “Help me find my tail!”

“What does it look like?” I inquired

She answered, “Let me think…

It’s a little like a pig’s tail

But less curly, and more pink.”

“Wait here,” I said. “I guarantee

I’ll find your tail by noon.”

She said, “Oh thank you, thank you!

I expect to see you soon!”

I took off on my fastest horse

Across the sunlit field

I carried my binoculars

And kept my eyeballs peeled

I passed a group of seven dwarves

Who slept in seven beds

I asked them if they’d seen the tail

They only shook their heads

I saw a pig in a house of sticks

And poked my head on in

I asked him if he’d seen the tail

He said, “Not by my chinny chin chin!”

I passed a marketplace and saw

A boy sell his cow for a bean

I looked around the booths and stands

But the tail could not be seen

I passed a giant tower that kept

A longhaired, locked-up maiden

I would’ve stopped, but knew

I shouldn’t keep the fairy waitin’

 “Have you seen a tail?” I asked three mice

“It’s pink and hard to find.”

The mice said, “We need tails ourselves…

And anyway, we’re blind.”

I saw a gnome spin straw to gold

For some unhappy dame

I asked if he had seen the tail

He answered, “Guess my name!”

By then, the journey for the tail

Began to make me furious

I asked a girl named Alice

But she only said, “How curious.”

So I went home, deciding

I should end my search at last

When suddenly I spotted it!

Just sitting in the grass!

I brought it back and said:

“Look what was lying on the ground!”

The fairy cried, “Oh thank you sir!

I’m so glad that it’s found!

You are a hero, and you have

My gratitude eternal!

From now on, for safekeeping

I will keep it in this journal.”

Soon after, other fairies

Kept their tails in journals too

They started up a library

That quickly grew and grew

So now, to find a fairy tail

You barely have to look

Just ask a good librarian…

And open up a book.

The Lazy Kangaroo

A mommy kangaroo once whined:

“My son’s a lazy chap!

He only likes to watch T.V.

And munch on snacks and nap.

He never gets much exercise

He’s plump as a tomato.”

Her husband said, “It’s sad but true…

He’s just a pouch potato.”

I Stepped Into a Bat Cave

I stepped into a bat cave

Right outside of Timbuktu

And asked, “Please tell me, fellas,

Just what kind of bats are you?

If you’re simply harmless fruit bats

Then I should like to stay.

But if you’re vampire bats

Then I will quickly run away.”

The bats said, “We’re just fruit bats!”

I said, “Great! I’ll have a seat.”

But then I felt a hundred bites

Along my legs and feet!

“You lied!” I called out angrily

“How miserably unkind!”

The bats said, “Oh, you’re not a fruit?

Apologies. We’re blind.”

Rex McBean

I’m sure you like arcade games

But have you heard of Rex McBean?

He’s the bearded man who stands all day

In front of the claw machine

He has a box of dollars next to him

And plays game after game, with no breaks

He says, “I’ll get that stuffed pink mouse!

No matter how long it takes.”

He stares at the claw, with joystick in hand

He concentrates, biting his lip

And just when he thinks he’s got the toy

The tricky claw loses its grip

Some people say, “Cut your losses, Rex!

Look how much you’ve already paid!”

But I say, “Rex, don’t ever give up!”

‘Cause I’m the one who owns the arcade

Oblivion

There are such pretty stars twinkling up in the skies

But they don’t know they’re pretty, ‘cause they don’t have eyes

And there are such lovely scents produced by fresh roses

But they can’t smell themselves, ‘cause they don’t have noses

And it’s nice to run your fingers through soft, warm sand

But the sand can’t feel itself, ‘cause it doesn’t have a hand

And the drip-drop of rain is delightful to hear

But the rain will never realize, ‘cause it doesn’t have an ear

And cake is so delicious that it never goes to waste

But the cake has no idea, ‘cause it lacks a tongue to taste

And there could be something splendid about you and me as well

But without the right organ to sense it, we’ll never be able to tell.

Please, Oh Please Don't Remove My Lice!

Please, oh please don’t remove my lice!

My lice are fine with me

I’ve trained them to do homework

While I sit and watch T.V.

Then when I’ve got exams

They whisper answers in my ear

I got an A in English

‘Cause they memorized King Lear

They can list the states and capitals

Without hardly even tryin’

They’re great at math, especially

When it comes to multiplyin’

So please, oh please don’t remove my lice!

It’d surely be imprudent

‘Cause without ‘em, people might find out

That I’m really a lousy student.

Velma Vapoose the Psychic Goose

Velma Vapoose is my psychic goose

You’ll notice she has three eyes

She’s like a magic eight ball

If you know how to read her replies

Just ask her a yes or no question

Like, “Will I be famous someday?”

If she ruffles her feathers and looks at the ground

That means: “Sorry, buddy. No way.”

You can also ask if the person you like

Will ask you if you’d like to dance

If she raises her neck and opens her beak

That means: “Nope. Not a chance.”

You can ask, “If I fake sick to get out of class,

Will the teacher buy into my lie?”

If she honks out loud and stomps her feet

That means: “Don’t even try.”

If you’re in 4-H then you can inquire

“Will mine be the prize-winning cow?”

If she winks her third eye and wiggles her butt

That means: “No way, no how.”

You can ask, “Will I win a million bucks

To spend at the shopping mall?”

If she nips at your hand and waddles away

That means, “Not likely at all.”

And of course you can ask, “Will my mother find out

That my bedroom’s still a mess?”

If she lays an egg, then clean your room!

‘Cause that means: “Undoubtedly yes.”

Nonconformist

I don’t take orders from anyone

I’m not the type to conform

I don’t do what the others do

I stand apart from the norm

If you try to force me to fit in

I’ll holler and I’ll scream

I guess that’s why they kicked me off

The synchronized swimming team

A Trip to the Store

I had sixteen quarters and fifteen nickels

And I went to the store to buy four jars of pickles

But I guess on the way that the coins changed their minds

‘Cause I opened my palm to find thirty one dimes

I explained to the clerk, and said, “Gee, ain’t that strange?”

But he shrugged and said, “Baby, that’s why it’s called change.”

Meditatin' Martin

Meditatin’ Martin mostly stays inside his house

He sits cross-legged, both eyes shut, as quiet as a mouse

His face is calm, he’s tree trunk still, he’s breathing in and out

He takes a break just once a day to eat a piece of trout

I go to school, I hang with friends, I like to raid the fridge

But Martin stays in one small room and doesn’t move a smidge

I told him once, “Come see the world! Ain’t meditatin’ dull?”

But he said, “I prefer the world I’ve got inside my skull.”

The Bizarre Song

You can only sing the bizarre song

When something is strange or amiss

It’s quite a convenient song to know

And the lyrics go like this:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI

ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

So if you’re in the Arctic

And your ice cream starts to melt

Don’t simply sit and wonder

Just open up and belt:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI

ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

And if you can’t stop sneezing

When you’re looking at the moon

Don’t scamper to a doctor

Just open up and croon:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI

ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

And if you hear a thirsty slurp

While watering your plant

You needn’t gasp or scratch your head

Just open up and chant:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI
ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

And if you find a hot dog stand

While walking through the forest

Then sing, and all the forest mice

Will join you in the chorus:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI

ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

And if you spot a ladder

That hasn’t any rungs

Then sing the song with all the air

That sits inside your lungs:

BIZARRE BIZARRE AR BIZ ZAR BI
ERRAZ RIZZIB BIZ RAR ZIZ RI

The bizarre song is really quite handy

As I’m positive you have deduced

And I’d teach you the normal song as well

But it gets only half as much use

Soggy Pete

There once was a duck named Soggy Pete

Who had separate toes instead of normal duck feet

Well, thanks to his toes, he couldn’t swim fast

And when it came to races, he was always last

Until one day, he noticed a brand new thing:

A stretched out canvas of silvery string

He asked, “Who built this thing in the tree?”

And a friendly black spider said, “It was me!’

Then a light bulb went off in the brain of Pete

And thanks to the spider, he got webbed feet

Greepy's Creepy Carousel

Welcome to Greepy’s Creepy Carousel

Step up and have a spin around!

At just ten cents, it’s sure to be

The cheapest creepy spinning thing in town!

You’re guaranteed a scream or two

There ain’t no ponies here

Instead you can ride on a poison toad

Or a giant severed ear

You can hop on a slit-eyed serpent

Or a cockroach or hissing black cat

If you like you can swing on the leathery wing

Of a hanging vampire bat

You can ride in a witch’s cauldron

Or on top of a scary clown

(I don’t recommend the cauldron

‘Cause it doesn’t go up and down)

You can ride on any skeleton

(Don’t worry—most are fake)

You can also ride on Nessie

The monster from Loch Ness Lake

Old Greepy himself plays the music

His organ moans and wails

He’ll either play a funeral march

Or scratch chalkboards with his nails
The carousel opens at midnight
And if you're the first in line
You can snag a spot on the shoulders
Of a giant Frankenstein

So head over to Old Greepy's

I guarantee you'll have a blast

But I must mention that it's haunted
By the ghosts of riders past

Barbie, Barbie

Barbie Barbie, smile so white

Pretty as the brightest star in the night

Barbie Barbie, hair so neat

Look at her walk on her pointy feet

Barbie Barbie, face so clean

She can be a mermaid, nurse or queen

Barbie Barbie, lips so red

Why do I want to rip off her head?

The Otters Eat Off of Their Tummies

The otters eat off of their tummies

I’ve seen them catch clams near the docks

The otters eat off of their tummies

They bang open clams using rocks

The otters eat off of their tummies

While swimming along on their backs

The otters eat off of their tummies

They don’t need a plate for their snacks

The otters eat off of their tummies

While staring straight up at the sky

The otters eat off of their tummies

They even suck sea urchins dry

The otters eat off of their tummies

It's a method that suits them just fine

The otters eat off of their tummies

So why can’t I eat off of mine?

Choice of Clothing

A pigeon pecked my earlobes
A pigeon pecked my thighs
Another pigeon pecked the freckles
Just beneath my eyes
A pigeon pecked my kneecaps
And pecked my elbows sore
I guess I shouldn't wear
my bread crumb jumpsuit any more.

Acupuncture in New Orleans

I go to acupuncture for my back and for my wrist
But ain't it strange I've never seen my acupuncturist?
At my first appointment he took a lock of hair
I hear his voice behind the curtain so I know that he's there
He's good so I go every weekday, it's true
But I don't know how he voodoo it, do you?

Prickle Pigs

Prickle pigs and people lived in harmony until
prickle pig chopsticks came in style
Then people plucked every prickle pig quill
'til there were no prickled pigs for miles
"That wasn't nice! We'll get revenge!" the angry piggies said
But then they discovered silverware...
and just wore spoons instead.

Bubble Gum Tongue

You like to chew bubble gum? Really? You do?
Well then buddy have I got the candy for you!
It's a bubble gum tongue, and I'm kidding you not
It looks just like the tongue that you've already got
But it doesn't taste tonguey like normal tongues do
It's bubble gum flavored, so go on and chew!
You can chew it all day, and there's no need to fear
'Cause it bubble gum flavor lasts up to a year
It's a simple procedure to get it installed
And I promise you won't miss your own tongue at all
Snip, snip! See? You're tongue's out! Now isn't that great?
What? You're changing your mind now? Well, sorry. Too late.