Monday, June 24, 2019

Patterns or: Bridezilla


Plaid is amoral
Floral is sweet
Lattice is clear-cut
Chevron is neat
Gingham is darling
Dots are neurotic
Fleur de lis -- bougie
Stripes -- patriotic
But you, in that combo
Of lattice and plaid
With fleur de lis pants
That you borrowed from dad
With a bright floral T-shirt
And polka-dot pins
And pink-striped leg warmers on both of your shins
With chevron print shoes
And red gingham socks
And that tie, which is patterned
With tricolored clocks...
You look like a straight-up polychromatic harlequin and I don’t know why you won’t just put on this shrimp-colored tux like I asked—after all it’s my wedding and I chose the color scheme, you’re such an oppositional bastard!

Monday, June 10, 2019

Hector the Mansplaining Ghost


I was camping, and working on building a fire
When I saw a man-ghost appear.
“That’s not how you do it,” he said
"Teepee shape. See the sticks? They'll ignite better here.”

“Okay, man-ghost,” I said. “So what is your tale?
I’ve never before met a specter.”
He said, “I was born in 84...
My parents named me Hector.”

“Not that tale, Hector, geez,” I said
"I mean, like, how’d you die?”
“Everyone only wants to know that,” he sniffed
And then started to cry.

“Nobody wants to know how
To drive a tractor," Hector sobbed
Nobody wants to know tips for self-defense
If they get robbed."

"Nobody wants to hear me explain
The way that a car engine works
Nobody wants to know the best way
To profit from credit card perks."

"Nobody wants to know the best penny stocks
Or where to find the best bars
Nobody wants to know the best brand of chains
For the tires on their cars..."

"And nobody wants to know—”
I don’t know what he said
Cuz I’d fallen asleep
And when I woke up, he'd adjusted my head
And said, "This is the best way to sleep."

And when, in the morning, I left
He insisted on helping me take down the tent
And glancing up at the clouds, he said:
“Chance of rain is fifty percent.”

And as I took off, he said, “Compass points north!”
And I snapped back, “I WASN'T CONFUSED.”
And then he turned blue, which happens
Whenever a man-ghost's ego is bruised.

A Riddle

Let's pretend two people live in Sweden and they have no legs. One of them has seen the Northern Lights and the other one hasn't.

Which one hasn't?

What to Bring


At the potluck, there was pie, frog legs, rice cakes, and a green bean casserole.
I brought twelve poems about geese.
Somebody ate the pie; somebody ate the frog legs. A tall woman nibbled on the rice cakes and the twins ate the casserole.
Nobody ate the twelve poems about geese.

At the poetry reading, a fat lady read a poem about Green, a man rapped a poem about Oppression and one teenager shyly recited her poem entitled Eating Disorders and Clitori.
I brought pie.
Everyone ate the pie!
Now I know what to bring for potlucks AND poetry readings.

The question now is what to bring on this whale-watching tour...
I called my mother and she said, “A fresh pair of socks.”