sikorsky

sikorsky is a military helicopter company
that has hired two giggly twins

one of the twins gets nervous
about hot oil in the frying pan

the other is afraid to say a word
to blatant litterbugs
and right-wing blabbermouths

a colleague twice her age comes up behind her
and whispers,
"when you smile, the whole world smiles"

creepy

Sad Mongoose

Sad Mongoose is here again, moping
He's too sad to go catch a snake
Instead he just sits on our sofa
Eating nothing but twinkies and cake

He won't chat or make conversation
And won't even pick up his phone
"Hey, Mongoose!" I say, "Let's go fishing!"
He mumbles, "Just leave me alone."

He won't go on any adventures
And he hates getting high fives or hugs
He only draws pictures of rainclouds
And coffins and hideous bugs

Well, it's tough to cheer up a sad mongoose
And there probably isn't a cure
But a fun thing to do while he sleeps, at least
Is to shave naughty words into his fur

Three Heads

     There once lived a little boy who had three heads. He could switch heads as often as he pleased, and just as easily as if they were wigs.
     The first head was as teeny-tiny as a chestnut and bald and its mouth was so small that it could only fit one grain of rice at a time. This was what he called his “Mini-Head.”

     The second head was a regular sized boy head, with freckles across the nose, brown eyes, brown hair, and a mouth big enough for a heaping spoonful of rice at a time. The only problem with this head was its cheeks, which were so chubby and pink that middle-aged women pinched them at least three times a month. This was the little boy’s cross to bear. He called this head his “Cheeky Head.”

     The third head was one the boy called “Mega Head” because it was the size of a watermelon. A whole pot of rice could fit in the mouth, and the eyes were bright blue and all across the face were freckles as big as bottle caps. The hair was blonde and wild and feathery like the tail of a big happy dog, and the ears were huge and stick-outy and gave the boy excellent hearing. Being so large and disproportionate, this particular head often threw the boy off balance. He had to work hard to keep it from tilting to one side or the other, and the effort gave him neck aches.

     It seems fairly obvious that the boy wore the second head most regularly, as it was the most proportionate. Well, I can verify this fact—Cheeky Head was the only head the little boy ever wore in public. But what did he do as soon as he got home from school and shut the door to his room? I’ll tell you— he put on Mini Head! And he kissed and he kissed and he kissed. Indeed, it was quite serendipitous that he owned such a microcephalic prosthetic, because without Mini Head’s tiny lips the boy never could have kissed his girlfriend Lucy, who was an adorable little striped snail. So it turned out that Mini Head was the boy’s favorite head of all! And you might wonder—did the boy ever wear Mega Head despite its clumsy and unnatural size? Yes, but he only wore it when he was mad at Lucy and wanted to show that he wouldn’t kiss her. With Mega Head, the boy’s lips were bigger than Lucy’s entire body, and a kiss would smash her. So Lucy felt very small in the presence of this unkissable head. She was only a snail, and had no alternate heads of her own. This was her cross to bear.

Liza Greech, the Lonely Leech

Liza Greech, the lonely leech
Was ugly as a rotten peach
She lived in water thick as mud
And sucked on slug and insect blood
She couldn’t help but be this way
And had no friends with whom to play
‘Cause when she asked to join their games
They cried, “No way! You’ll drain our veins!”
This made her sad—she cried and cried
She longed for someone by her side
She sobbed aloud, “What can I do
To have some friends? Just one or two?”
A helpful bird said, “Change your diet!
“Then I’ll be your friend—just try it!”
Liza Greech said, “Golly gee!
That’s good advice! No blood for me!”
She gave up blood—ate plants instead
But then got woozy in the head
She lost her strength; she couldn’t thrive
She needed blood to stay alive
“No use,” she sighed, “Plants just aren’t right!
I need a blood-filled bug to bite!
My playmate quest is at its end.
I’ll never, ever have a friend.”
But then—just then—there came a man!
Who scooped up Liza in his hand
And put her in a small glass jar
Which then he placed inside his car
And drove as fast as he was able
To an operation table!
“Great!” the doctor said, “You’re here!”
“This boy has almost lost his ear!
We sewed it on again, it’s true—
But now it’s turning black and blue—
We can’t unplug the venous clot!
We’ll try a leech! It’s all we’ve got!”
“No, no!” the boy began to screech
“Don’t put me near that awful leech!”
The doctor said, “No time to mope!
This parasite’s your only hope!”
Poor Liza’s heart was beating wild
Could she, would she, save the child?
She shook with nervousness and fear
The doctor put her on the ear
She squeezed her eyes shut for good luck
She bit the ear, began to suck
And then, in hardly half a wink
The boy’s ear turned from blue to pink!
“Hooray!” The doctor gave a cheer
“The blood is flowing in the ear!
The chemicals in leeches’ spit
Clear up blood clots in a tick!”
At this, our Liza could have cried
A billion tears of happy pride
The boy was also filled with glee
And asked, “Can she come home with me?
I think she’d make the perfect pet!”
The doctor said, “Sure, kid! You bet!”
The boy took Liza everywhere
And from then on, they were a pair
He kept her in a box of glass
She even came with him to class!
He fed her fresh, delicious bugs
He played with her, and gave her hugs
And when he went to bed at night
He whispered to her, “Now sleep tight!”
So Liza was at last befriended…
How’d she feel then?
Bloody splendid.

THE TRUE STORY:
Bloodsucking leeches have been used for thousands of years in the field of medicine—in fact, they used to be prescribed for almost every type of sickness! Leeches gradually fell out of popularity, but made a comeback in the 1980s, thanks in part to the physician Dr. Joseph Upton, who tried to re-attach the ear of a five-year old boy from Massachusetts. Ears have hair-thin veins that are very difficult to re-connect in surgery, and not enough blood was flowing into the re-attached ear of the little boy. Knowing that enzymes in leech saliva prevent blood clotting, Dr. Upton ordered leeches to be shipped overnight to the hospital, and the next day the boy’s ear was saved. Unlike in the story of Liza Greech, the boy did not take home any of his heroic leeches as pets, but it’s still fun to imagine what would have happened if he had.

Howling June

There once was a wolf cub named June
And June lost her big white balloon
Now she howls, "Aroo!"
Which means, "Is that you?"
Whenever she sees a full moon

Fun with Buttons

“Mom, how do I sew on a button?” Michelle asked

So her mom got a needle and thread

“Just weave in and out through the holes,” she explained.

“Oh, I can do that!” Michelle said.

So Michelle sewed on buttons the rest of the day

And stayed up to sew through the night

But when, the next morning, she came in undressed

Her poor mother hollered with fright.

“What the heck’s on your stomach, Michelle?” she cried out

Michelle said, “It’s from Daddy’s suit.

And I don’t care whether you like it—I think

That my new bellybutton looks cute.”

Lee and Lursa

Two twins—Lee and Lursa—never cut their fingernails

They’ve been growing them long since the start

Which means Lee can scratch Lursa’s back and vice versa

Even when the two are twenty miles apart!