Monday, April 16, 2018

The Pope


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He used to be a nightclub bouncer
But now, he’s the Pope!
He prefers you avoid abortion
He prefers that you don’t smoke dope
You can like his papal pictures
On his Instagram account
If you’re currently sodomizing
He prefers that you dismount
He meets with the sick and dying
Like the hemophiliacs
But requires that the host have gluten
(So sorry, celiacs.)
He called Trump ‘not a Christian’
Trump called him ‘a disgrace’
But they grinned and kept it classy
When they both met face-to-face
He cares about the climate
And he cares about the poor
But when women ask for priesthood
He shows them to the door
He auctioned off his Harley
For a homeless charity
And he blessed a gang of bikers
With complete sincerity
You can buy his special pope beads
At blessedrosaries.com
He is fond of touching babies
With his holy papal palm
If I ever heard him sneezing
I would quickly say, ‘Bless you’
‘Cuz I’d secretly be jonesin’
That he’d answer ‘bless you too.’

Friday, April 6, 2018

Sailing


From the great city with its hardened heart of pavement
The worker left his corporate job to go a-sailing

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!
The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!
What a joyous young sailor is me!”

The worker faced many storms and hardships
But although his hands were scarred and his overalls torn, his spirit remained buoyant and unburdened.

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!
The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!
What a joyous young sailor is me!”

One day, at port in Aruba, a mermaid called out to the sailor from just offshore
She had full, naked breasts and eyes that shone like oyster pearls

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!
The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!
What a joyous young sailor is me!”

The mermaid swam alongside the worker’s ship from then on
The two were enamored and had frequent oceanic trysts
Soon, they gave birth to a half-boy, half-fish

“Oh-ho! To sail! A merry trip! A jaunt upon the sea!
The ocean’s hypnotic and pregnant with love!
What a joyous young sailor is me!”

This half-boy, half-fish grew up seasick, hated his father, forever unsatisfied
Why couldn’t he just have a normal job, an office job on land?
And so, the next time they were in Boston, they dropped off fish-boy, so he could pursue his dream of corporate servitude.

Legend has it he’s still submitting resumes.

Birth Control


May I be so bold as to recommend birth control?

(Money)


Two crocodiles float lazily down a river of menstrual blood.
Their bellies are full because they have just eaten a human man.
“Say,” says one. “Do you know the word ‘money’?”
“No,” replies his buddy. “Why?”
“Well,” says the first. “The man before he died said if we didn’t eat him he’d give us some.”