The Pizzly Bear

There is a bear called pizzly
Half polar bear, half grizzly
He likes his soda fizzly
And his tenderloin steak sizzly
But he hates it when it’s drizzly
‘Cause it makes his hair all frizzly.

The Dreadlock

Little Billy Batton-Wings
Was not afraid of many things
He’d even once explored a cave
You see, he really was quite brave
But Billy lived on Avenue Pine
And what sent shivers up his spine
Was one old neighbor down the block
The one they simply called “Dreadlock.”
The Dreadlock’s house looked dark and cold
And very, very, very old
The Dreadlock never left his house
And was as quiet as a mouse
But rumor had it that at night
The Dreadlock had an appetite
For eating supple little things
Like boys named Billy Batton-Wings
And that’s why Billy did avoid
The house of this strange humanoid
A man whom he had never seen
But whom he knew was dreadful mean.
Now as it happened to turn out
Young Billy was a new Boy Scout
And every August they’d fund-raise
By selling donuts (chocolate glazed)
“Each boy scout,” said the leader, “should
Sell donuts in his neighborhood.
Don’t skip a single house or shack.
I don’t want Boy Scouts here who slack.”
Poor Billy cried, “But on my block
There lives the dreaded old Dreadlock!”
The leader said, “Just ring the bell.
And if he doesn’t come, oh well.”
“But if he does, I’ll have you know
He’ll eat me up from head to toe!”
The leader said, “Enough of that.
A Boy Scout’s not a scaredy cat.”
And with that, there was no more talk
Poor Billy went home to his block
He sold his donuts faithfully
To Mrs. Blops and Mr. Glee
And many other neighbors too
Like Mr. Bloke and Mrs. Gloo
And at the setting of the sun
He’d been to every house but one
He almost thought he’d stop at that
But then thought, “I’m no scaredy cat.
I’ll march right up to Dreadlock’s door
And sell a dozen, maybe more!”
But as he headed to the gate
His knobby knees began to shake
And in his throat there formed a lump
His heart began to thump and thump
And though he was in state of shock
He gave the door a “knock knock knock”
The hinges soon began to creak
He made a little frightened squeak
For in the door a figure loomed
And Billy felt that he was doomed
The figure was tall, dark and strong
With dreadful dreadlocks three feet long
And Billy with his mind ablur
Asked, “W-would you l-like some donuts sir?
Y-you see, I’m t-trying to fund-raise…
They’re 50 cents, and ch-chocolate glazed…”
But Dreadlock, like a crafty fox
Just snatched away the donut box
Then disappeared inside his house
As quickly as a sewer mouse
Poor Billy cried out in dismay
He thought of all he’d have to pay
A box of donuts! That was worth
More than he had in his small purse
He’d tried so hard to fund-raise, yet
He’d very soon end up in debt
So with his head drooped toward the floor
He walked off sadly from the door
Until he thought he heard a squeak
A quiet, rusty door-hinge creak
He glanced back at the house so old
And, lo! He saw a pot of gold!
Upon the doorstep, in the night
The gold was like a shining light
Turns out that crafty dreadlocked fox
Had paid up for the donut box
Young Billy grabbed the pot with glee
And took it home for all to see
His parents said, “Well how ‘bout that!
Our Billy ain’t no scaredy cat.”
Then Billy saw with his own eyes
That etched upon the gold pot’s side
There was a phrase, a phrase which said:
“The Dreadlock is not one to dread.”

Two Bananas

There are, of course, an awful lot
Of funny gods and deities
And in this poem I’ll introduce
Approximately three of these.
To start, there is the God of Sun
Who turns his light bulb on and off
And in his free time listens to
Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff.
And then there is the God of Wind
The gusts and breezes are his toys
But when he’s eaten Taco Bell
He’s prob’ly one you should avoid.
The God of Oceans is the chap
Who makes the waves go in and out
He has control of all the fish
From great blue whales to rainbow trout.
And though that’s three, there’s one god more
Whose powers, to be fair, are moot
He’s called the Two Bananas God
And carries pairs of yellow fruit.
Well, these four gods, as it turns out
Were neighbors on Utz Spaga Street
And at the local theist club
The four of them would weekly meet.
The God of Sun would always start
By showing off what he could do
“See that woman in her car?” he’d ask
“The one right there that’s dressed in blue?”
The other gods would nod
And he’d say, “Take a look, you guys!”
And make the sun shine brightly
Straight into the woman’s eyes.
The sunlight made the woman squint
She screamed, “I fear I cannot see!”
And panicked, turned the wheel
And drove into a large oak tree.
The three gods watched the woman crash
And laughed a hearty laugh, each one
“A splendid joke!” they cried aloud
“You’re quite a trickster, God of Sun!”
And then it was the Wind God’s turn
To play along in the charades
He picked his victim carefully:
A Kansas girl with pigtail braids
He said, “Watch this!” and blew his winds
A grand tornado he did cause
His mighty gusts swept up the girl
And blew her and her braids to Oz.
“Terrific!” cried the gods, “What joy!
And what a funny braided kid!”
Just Two Bananas didn’t laugh
But then again, he never did.
“It’s my turn!” said the Ocean God
He’d already picked his victim out:
A Bluebry Island surfer boy
Named Lemon Jimmy Huffer Snout.
“That’s there’s the one!” said Ocean God
“Let’s hope the fellow’s somewhat brave.”
The four gods watched and saw a fin
Appear above the ocean waves.
Poor Lemon saw the shark fin too
He whimpered like a cornered pup
The jaws approached and very soon
The surfer boy was gobbled up.
The gods began guffawing
Bursting out in rowdy hoots
Except for one—who peeled and ate
Two simple yellow fruits.
“Well, that was fun,” said Oceans God
“But gosh, my skin feels dry.”
“My head hurts,” said the God of Wind
“It’s time to say goodbye.”
And so they left the theist club
And went their separate ways
With three of them affected
By a feeling of malaise.
The next week all four met again
To show pranks--each by turn
The Oceans God performed a flood
And Sun God gave sunburns.
The Wind God caused a hurricane
Which killed a boy named Barber Newt
But Two Bananas merely sat
And ate two simple yellow fruits.
And though the three gods laughed
They felt quite weak and rather ill
The God of Sun had muscle cramps
And Oceans God had chills.
The next week when they met again
They had no mood for fun
The Wind God’s face was full of zits
And Sun God had the runs.
The Wind God said, “No games today.
My face is full of pus
Let’s google all our symptoms
And find out what’s wrong with us.”
They looked at many illnesses
From hives to blood leukemia
But in the end, they learned they had
Acute hypokalemia.
“Paralysis is next!” they cried
“And then our deaths are fast to come.
And all because we didn’t eat
Enough potassium.”
The gods all wailed and sobbed aloud
And pulled their hair out from the roots
Except for one, who merely sat
And ate two simple yellow fruits.