I'm kissing my rhinoceros to sleep
'Cause the only way he'll ever shut his eyes
Is if he's kissed upon his neck and chest and thighs
In fact, he gets exceptionally stressed
Without smooches on his thighs and neck and chest
And when he's stressed he rams the wall with his big horn
Which wakes up the neighbor's finicky newborn
Then the baby cries and that upsets him more
So he pounds his hooves on our apartment floor
Which is the ceiling for our downstairs neighbor, Pops
And when Pops gets mad he tends to call the cops
And the sirens make my rhino so alarmed
That it's dangerous for cops to come unarmed
So I have to tell the cops to bring their guns
But the sight of those will give my pet the runs
So there's rhino diarrhea on the floor
And the neighbor's baby's screaming even more
And my pet slips on the mess he made before
And he crashes through the bathroom's glass-paned door
Then he's stressed because he's cut with broken glass
So he vomits yet another heap of grass
And the vet comes with a tranquilizer dart
And she's trying hard to aim it at his heart
But she also slips in vomit and falls down
And my nervous rhino chews upon her gown
Then a gun gets fired and I let out a shout
And my rhino gets so stressed he passes out
And the bill for all that cleanup isn't cheap
So I'm kissing my rhinoceros to sleep.
