The Magic of Tonsils

There once was a little boy named Tom

Who complained of an owchy throat to his mom

So his mom took Tom to the local doc

Who said, “My, those are ugly tonsils you’ve got!

I’m sorry, Tom, but it seems to me

You’ll need a tonsillectomy.”

Tom wasn’t scared yet, but that’s because

He didn’t know what a tonsil was

The doc explained they were gobs in the throat

That seemed to cause trouble for a lot of folks

He said it might hurt to have them out

And little Tom began to pout

He cried all over his little face

So his parents took Tom to his grandma’s place

“So,” said grandma, as she puffed her cigar

“They’re taking your tonsils out, they are?

Then you’re a lucky little boy

I hope you’re crying tears of joy.

There's no need to moan, lament or pout

Just keep your tonsils once you get them out

A tonsillectomy is far from tragic

Because tonsils, my boy, are actually magic.”

Little Tom’s tears were suddenly gone

“Magic?” he asked. “Like a magic wand?”

“Not quite,” said grandma. “Though that’s a good notion.

But tonsils are actually used in potions.

A tonic of tonsils with clam juice in it

Will cure any cold in less than ten minutes

And a juice made from tonsils and the tears of a crow

Will make you immune from stubbing your toe

Drink a mixture of tonsils and warts from a witch

And you’ll find that you’ve suddenly got perfect pitch

Boil tonsils with yak spit and decomposed squids

And you’ll be able to see through closed eyelids

Or boil tonsils with slime from a frog that’s done croaking

And you can blow smoke rings without even smoking

And tonsils in seal blood, with the juice of a lemon

Makes a wonderful rattlesnake anti-venom.

And then there’s a potion that’s the strangest of all

Just boil tonsils with tomatoes and a tennis ball

And the people who drink this potion, they say

Will act very odd for the rest of the day

They’ll go to the store with a goofy smile

And cackle for hours in the produce aisle

They’ll hug the mailman and eat the roses

And shove brown sugar up their noses

They’ll hop on one foot while waving flags

And shove their heads in popcorn bags

Then with the bags still on their heads

They’ll skip down the street, throwing pieces of bread.

They’ll blow kisses to dog-walkers passing by

And bake a lot of lemon pie

Then they’ll buy a rabbit and name it Mango

And try to teach it the Argentine tango

They’ll build small castles out of pickles

And pay for pumpkins using nickels

They’ll stand on the roof of the morgue and sing

And the very next day, won’t remember a thing."

Granny patted Tom on his little head

And to finish her monologue, she said,

"Well, Tom, that’s quite enough from me.

Good luck with your tonsillectomy.”

Tom got his tonsils out that week

His throat hurt, and he couldn’t speak

He had to spend all day in bed

And was soon bored out of his little head

“Will you rent me some movies?” he asked his dad

But his dad said, “No, son, movies are bad.”

“Can my friends come over?” he asked his mom

But she answered, “Your friends are too rowdy, Tom.”

The weather was overcast and raining

Tom wanted something entertaining

Then an idea popped into his head

He got a tennis ball from the shed

And using his mother’s big iron pot

He cooked some ingredients 'til they were hot

Then he called, “Mom! Dad! Look what I’ve got for you!

I’ve cooked you some tasty tomato stew.”

His parents ate from the steaming vat

And we both know what happened after that.