The Song of the Cactus

Sometimes a cactus is friendly

And sometimes a cactus is crass

Sometimes a cactus will sing you a song

But you won’t know until you ask

Just head out for the desert

And ask the first cactus you find

Be polite and say, “Mr. Cactus…

I’d love you to sing, would you mind?”

The cactus will clear his poky throat

(For it gets bit dry, you know)

And then he’ll start his singing

In a voice that’s rough and low

“Oh a cactus in the desert

Is the wisest plant there is

He knows what makes the rivers flow

And what makes soda fizz

He knows why elves have pointy ears

And he knows how wildfires start

But the one thing that he doesn’t know

Is the way to a woman’s heart

Oh, the very first of the cacti

Was a plant so moist and green

And it had the biggest flowers

That two eyes have ever seen

But this plant, he loved a woman

And her name was Isabel

He said, “Izzie, would you marry me?”

And she said, “Go to hell”

So the cactus cried his tears of dew

Until he could cry no more

And pretty soon he was all dried up

Just like the desert floor

And his heart was sad and bitter

And he had long and lonely nights

So he kept women far away from him

By growin’ a thousand spikes.”

Now you know why the cactus has his spikes

And why he’s so hard and dry

But as for the elves and their pointy ears

You’ll have to keep wonderin’ why

P.S. I actually wrote a tune for the cactus's song, so ask me and I'll sing it for you sometime.